Another day, another pregnancy announcement 

At work today I mistakeningly asked a woman how she was feeling. In response she announced her pregnancy. It was like a punch in the gut. My head immediately began to swim and I got sick to my stomach. She continued to talk and I didn’t hear a word. All I could do was fake a congratulations and smile, although my discomfort was probably obvious. I contemplated explaining my reaction to her but decided against it. What use would it do? Scare her? Make me come across like a loose cannon? Instead I continued with my job and fought every urge to run to my office and cry (don’t worry- I did it the first chance I got). To be honest- I was just hoping the woman was fat. 

On a daily basis I find myself walking down the street and actively avoiding eye contact, instead I meet abdomens. From yards away I am determining if a pregnancy is walking towards me and in the moment I become jealous and begrudging… Until I realize the person is menopausal, a man, or has no obvious baby bump. Then I exhale. 
All I hear is ‘it takes time and this will just be a very difficult time for you in your life that you’ll look back on.’ Yes, I’m sure they are right, but that does not exempt me from the anguish I currently feel. I wish I could say that I experience a reprieve every now and again from my thoughts, but Unfortunately I find myself replaying the events over and over again. The saddest part: I forget what it felt like to be pregnant, to know I was carrying my daughter inside me. I wish I could have bottled the feeling. I wish I could close my eyes and remember my time with her with more physical feeling. 

Currently I am getting a pedicure next to a woman who is 6 months pregnant- with twin girls. I know this because she is discussing it with her pedicurist. I can’t escape it. Pregnancy and new beginnings are everywhere and I feel like I can’t escape this nightmare of loss. 

More than anything I wish I could time hop to my moment of bringing home a baby. To looking back at this time and thinking of it as ‘just a really shitty time.’ 

Until then- here’s for praying and hoping for a BFP. 

Another month, another BFN

It is rather funny yet horrifying how your body can convince you that you are pregnant by psychosomatically giving you pregnancy symptoms, or what you thought were pregnancy symptoms. We did everything ‘right’ this month and we are back to square 1. I am trying not to compare this time to the last two times that didn’t end in take home babies. I got pregnant the first and second time right away. Somehow, I ignorantly thought that it would be the same this time around. I’ve been told I am putting too much pressure on it, and I am. I feel a great deal of stress trying to conceive since I am strongly correlating a new pregnancy with the healing process. I feel like I obsessively analyze my cycle and my symptoms. I even became irrationally upset when I felt like we didn’t have enough sex during the fertile window. I cried when my husband told me he didn’t think he could go again. I am that person. 

This is not how I envisioned making a baby. This is not how I want to make a baby. 

Next month I am deleting the fertility apps. I will try my hardest to resist the urge to google- because let’s me honest, I’ve read them all. I have likely searched and read every TtC forum and researched every possible ‘early pregnancy symptom’. For my sanity and to not scare my husband with my psycho baby making obsession- we will just ‘go with the flow.’ It worked relatively well the the last two times so maybe that’s our answer. At the very least maybe it will keep my sanity… Any advice on how to actually make this happen??

I can do without the mind fuck. 

I am three days late. I’m never late. When I got home from my weekend away on Sunday I took a test… Well I tried to take a test. I had to pee so badly that I peed on the screen and subsequently received an error message… Oops. I had the urge to pee an hour later and used my last remaining test. To my surprise- it was the small amount of pee compared to feeling of urgency, but at least I got it on the stick! As I unwrapped the packaging my hands were shaking and my heart was pounding. There was a flutter in my stomach, and not the good kind- the kind that makes you want to vomit. The test was negative… Now I really felt like I was going to be sick. An overwhelming sense of sadness took over me and. I lost all motivation. I wanted to crawl into bed, under the covers and hide. I have a baby shower in three weeks and there will be three pregnant woman there- how the fuck am I going to survive that with an empty womb? It was Father’s Day and how nice it would be to give that gift to my husband and my own father. My mother started knitting a baby blanket and we’ll have nothing to fill it (not that that’s a lot of pressure or anything…). Thoughts flooded my head- how am I going to survive this? Every negative has me reliving my nightmare and revising my future. This is bullshit. If I am not pregnant, than don’t tease me, just let me bleed. 

Officially trying

So my husband and I are now trying to get pregnant again. I was apparently in my ‘fertile window’ over the weekend and we took advantage of that. Now comes the TWW, the two week wait, and the obsessing. I told myself I wasn’t going to use an OPK. I was going to use the app Ovia which worked last time. On day 18 of my cycle, I was curious and took a Ovulation test. It was a faint positive which is equivalent to not ovulating- but does that mean I ovulated the day prior? We weren’t able to have sex the last 2 days of my fertile window, but did have sex twice on my ‘most fertile day,’ according to the app. Since this was my first cycle in 6 months, I am assuming that everything was how it was prior, but I am nervous that it’s not. I am nervous that I missed an opportunity because  we weren’t able to have sex all six days… And I am obsessing…. 

How do I not let my head go crazy with this stuff?  If I got pregnant easily twice (first months try resulted in a chemical pregnancy and then the second was the next cycle which resulted in a TFMR), then could it be just as easy this time? How do I sit back and just let nature do it’s thing? I don’t know how to be ‘laid back’ and ‘relaxed’ when it comes to trying to get pregnant after everything I’ve been through. Help.