Pregnancy announcement still suck. They sting. They are triggers. As I was driving to work this morning, there was a pregnancy announcement on the radio. Apparently actress, Anne Hathaway, is expecting although there has been ‘no social media confirmation.’ Immediately, I get jolted. My mind immediately recites the words ‘oh isn’t that fucking great.’ Needless to say, I assume the pregnancy came with ease and her innocence is still intact. I could be wrong, and I try to remind myself of that. She could of been trying for years, she could of had multiple losses that clearly aren’t broadcasted for the world to hear, this could be her rainbow. Then I stop and think- probably not- and continue to hate.
I didn’t think that becoming pregnant myself would somehow remove the pain I have endured, but I did think it would reduce my bitterness. I was wrong. We still can’t assume this pregnancy of mine will bring my family a baby. However, I assume the opposite upon hearing other people’s pregnancy announcements. How is it fair that they can experience uninterrupted joy through their pregnancy and I feel constantly on edge?
On an unrelated note, I received a text message from the toxic ex friend, M, this weekend. It read “You look much happier in recent pictures on Facebook, hope everything is working out better and like you hoped!’ Taken at face value, it seems harmless, almost genuine. However, it’s not. To be, it’s a backhanded insult. It implies that I looked and acted depressed until this point and made that evident for the world to see on social media. The best part- I am not on Facebook and haven’t been since last December. Nor have I seen her since last November, so I am not sure what she was talking about. My sister in law could of posted some pictures from Thanksgiving, but who doesn’t smile in pictures? Regardless, I let the comment get to me. I didn’t reply. It wasn’t worth giving her a piece of my mind. However, I did want to say ‘that’s interesting, since I haven’t been on Facebook since last December, so I am not sure which pictures you are referring to…’ I am sure she was just trying to start conversation since its evident that she is lonely, but I refuse to entertain her. She is toxic and in all honesty, my life is healthier without her in it.
I used to be friends with a girl I have spoken about previously. I refered to her as M. To recap- I didn’t officially end the friendship, but I actively avoided her; emails, invites, texts. The reasons being: she’s toxic, she’s competitive, and she’s untrustworthy. I had pulled away before my pregnancies, but was in still in some contact with her. Once we lost the baby, I was more active about my avoidance. Currently, we have a mutual friend; my best friend. I have known my best friend, K, since I was 8. We are more family than friends. Well K and M had babies a week apart. M frequently messages K- basically asking baby related questions and back handedly insulting K’s son while singing praises about her ‘perfect’ baby. Did I mention that M is a competitive bitch? Anyways, the purpose of this posts: I recently heard that M never wants to be pregnant again, instead she wants to adopt. The reason being: her pregnancy and delivery was so easy, she’s fearful that it won’t be the same scenario the second time around. Livid doesn’t begin to describe how this makes me feel. Although pregnancy comes easy to me- keeping babies don’t. I know many woman in the bloggers world who would give their right arm to carry their own children and this bitch says shit like that? This is harsh: but I don’t think she deserves a fuckkng baby.
So yesterday I visited K on my day off. K took a snapchat of the baby and I was in the background. M saw it and it was a matter of time before K received this text: ‘I see Mindy is visiting, is she doing well? I’m glad to see she is out of hiding. Are they still intensely trying to get pregnant?’ My first response: Go FUCK yourself M. A) I have never discussed me trying to get pregnant with her. She knew about our losses and but nothing beyond that. B) yea, bitch, I’m doing well. I am also 4 months pregnant. C). Don’t fucking ask my best friend about my sex life. D). I was never in ‘hiding’ I was just avoiding you!. Of course I only voices this to K, who told me not to let her get to me. I know M has barley any friends left and she is desperately trying to bond with K over talking negatively about other people (in this instance-me.), but why don’t we stop caring about my current reproductive state. It’s not fucking competition. Go take care of you kid and shut the fuck up.
After having to terminate a much wanted pregnancy and go through the emotional turmoil that accompanies grief, you gain a little perspective on the things in life that truly matter and those that don’t. Over the last four months I have really cleansed myself of toxicity. I pulled myself away from toxic people and have realized that I much prefer the company of myself over being of the presences of people that I truly don’t love and infuriate me. Prior to my loss, I had this notion that quantity of friends was not necessarily more important that quality, but the amount did contribute to a sense of self worth. This wasn’t overtly obvious to myself until I stepped backed and asked myself: why? Going through what I was going through required a lot of patience of my friends and family. I was and continue to be a ticking time bomb of emotions. I cry and anger easily, especially in the midst of certain topics of conversations. I needed people and continue to need people in my life that understand that and don’t try to change it or worse, ignore it. Previous [to my loss], people’s reactions would upset me and rather than honing into the immaturity of certain responses, I would ask myself, what did I do wrong? And how do I fix this? When in fact, there was nothing for me to fix. People, as old as forty still respond and reply to angering situations like they are twelve. When they don’t get what they want they take a personal jab at your character instead of addressing the issue at hand. I don’t have the energy for that. I don’t want to entertain those types of personalities. Friends are suppose to support you and to encourage you, the last thing anyone wants or needs is to be surrounded by people who are purposefully cruel and dismissive.
Prior to my pregnancies, weight and body image were always something that plagued my mind. Daily, I would analyze my body, determining the areas of need and ultimately, I would humiliate myself. I would frequently tell myself because I didn’t fit a specific image- I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t realize I was subconsciously behaving this way until I began to appreciate my body during pregnancy. I stopped analyzing the negative and I began to focus on the beauty. When I lost my babies, my attitude began to revert back. I noticed it immediately. I began to tell myself that if I wasn’t carrying, I couldn’t look like I was as it was a constant reminder of my losses. I quickly learned what I was doing to myself and I pledged to stop. I had been through enough and the last thing I needed from myself was to make myself feel less than. Although it’s proven more than difficult than I’d like, I have vowed to give myself affirmations upon glancing in the mirror. I would be lying if I said this came easily. More often than not I have to remind myself to be kind.