Baby is feet first…

How foolish of I to think she was head down! I am 34 weeks 6 days and baby is happily sitting upright… 

The doctor told me not to fret, she still has time and room to flip.

Worst case scenerio: scheduled c-section a week before my due date. 

Turn baby turn! 

Triggers and What ifs 

This past week my lovely coworkers through me a small surprise baby shower. I couldn’t of been more surprised and grateful. One of their gifts was a pack and play with a bassinet attachment. It was something on my registry that I knew we very much needed and I was very appreciative of their generosity. 

Today, I decided to take the crib out of the box. I had been toying between whether or not I should and I ultimately decided to just go for it. I set it up more to get an idea of how it would fit in our bedroom. To my happy surprise it’s quite compact and fits nicely in the corner next to my side of the bed! For now, it will house my pregnancy pillow while the bed is made, and our throw pillows while we are asleep. 

Anyways- to the point: I brought the box downstairs and my husband goes ‘let’s not throw that box out.’ I said okay. I knew what he was implying and I understood. I wish the conversation ended there… But it didn’t. He continued. Following that comment he proceeded to say ‘I don’t know why you even bother to take it out of the box… God forbid something happens…’ My heart sank, I immediately got warm and I felt the tears welling up. Like I said- I get it: nothing in pregnancy is gauranteed. However, I have come to terms with the fact that is irrelevant what I do, in terms do nesting, for this sweet baby of mine, the outcome will be the outcome. Not setting  up a crib won’t make me hurt any less if the worst happens. So I figured, I am going to act like a normal pregnant woman as much as possible. My daughter deserves to be celebrated and I deserve to experience nesting symptoms as they come. 

Regardless of how I am trying to survive the nesting phase without the scrutiny, the comment he made shook me to the core. I lost it. I haven’t cried that hard in almost a year. The reality of not bringing her home, hit like a ton of bricks. I felt suffocated by the possibility of not having my happy ending. 

I put myself in the shower and I let the warmth of the water wipe away my tears and I let the steam clear out my sinuses that became so terribly stuffed from whole body sobbing. 

As I am lying here in my robe, I feel off; I am questioning my moves. Have I nested too quickly? Am I getting too excited? Maybe I need to take a step back… Because what if? 

If vs when 

Last night after conversations with my parents, I noticed I was referring to the arrival of my daughter using ‘when.’ In the beginning I only using ‘if.’ I am not sure when this change occurred and I am not sure how I feel about it. Needless to say, I want to be hopeful, but with hope because apprehension. Am I setting myself up for disappointment? How can I be ‘certain’ of an event that actually has no certianty. Currently there are no indicators that she won’t be coming home with us, however, we know that means absolutely nothing. Pregnancy is unpredictable and outcomes can change with a blink of an eye. I want to remain hopefully and I want to continue with the use of ‘when.’ However, I am terrified…I am so in love with her already.