Where am I in my healing? Where am I in the grief process? To be honest- it’s hard to say. Prior to this current pregnancy, I could say I was very angry and borderline depressed. Two stages of grief- although for me, they were simultaneous. I was angry and so terribly sad that I wasn’t pregnant with my daughter and planning for her arrival and I was furious that healthy pregnancies were visible all around me. I was angry because what I wanted and loved so badly- I lost so suddenly.
I hate to admit this, but this current pregnancy has helped in my healing. I hate to admit this because I feel like I am saying that this baby will replace my daughter and all the hurt I have felt. When, in fact, that is not the case. I do, however, appreciate this blessing more than I thought possible. It has made me think that maybe we will have a rainbow after our storm.
My stage in grief: acceptance
I think I am beginng to accept that my experience was something out of my control. There is no answer to the ‘why?’ Shit just happens and you have two choices; survive or don’t survive. I choose survival.
I will never forget my experience. I will never forget my baby girl. And I will never stop fantasizing about what could of been. However, I will accept that this was out of my control. I will cherish this pregnancy and dream of a take home baby. And I will fantasize about my husband and I patenting and sharing our experience wih them.