Oh Hey PTSD!

A week from today is the dreaded NT scan. The scan that triggers anxiety, stress and an epic meltdown. I have such a clear picture of that first NT scan, with the first baby that made it to 12 weeks…

As we approached the hospital, I stopped dead in my tracks, held my stomach, turned to my husband and questioned ‘what if something is wrong?’ He brushed away my worry, without words, telling me I was being a nut. In my gut, I had known something was awry. I shook off the doubt attributing it to this being the ‘first’ pregnancy (or one that has made it this far). However, as much as I tried to reassure myself, I knew something wasn’t right. My biggest fears were confirmed. I remember the color of my nails, the clothes I was wearing, the silent ultrasound sound tech who refused to answer any question or reassure my fears, the color of the doctors hair, the sound of his voice and thick accent, his body language as he entered the room, and the unforgettable feeling of finding out something is terminally wrong with your most wanted child.

This day becomes clearer as we approach this baby’s NT scan. I am prepare for a slow increase of anxiety as the day approaches and most likely an epic, two year old style meltdown as we enter the room.

Boy, would I love to know what innocence and ignorance feels like. I have been robbed and it doesn’t get easier, even after a healthy pregnancy…

Today is intense…

Today is an emotionally charged day. At this exact point in my last pregnancy, 15 weeks, we were terminating our daughter due to medical reasons. I am currently 15 weeks and carrying a so far healthy child, yet all I can do is replay that terrible week and the subsequent weeks I had to endure in April. I wish it ended there….Exactly one year ago today, I found out I was pregnant with my first. That pregnancy last exactly a week before I had a natural miscarriage. I have quite a bit of mixed emotions.  Technically, if my first pregnancy was healthy, I would of had a baby in July. I would of never had to terminate for medical reasons.  I never would of have to endure the worst emotional roller coaster of my life.  If my second pregnancy was healthy, the same would apply…and I would of had a daughter in October. She would of been roughly a month old.  Instead…I am still at the beginning of my pregnancy and everything beyond today is a mystery….

A very HAPPY update

I pushed my NT scan up to today. I didn’t think I could wait another day. I was hysterical during the scan and a very kind tech talked us through, assuring our baby looked textbook! This was a HUGE milestone and a HUGE relief.