should be, would be, will be? 

I keep thinking about future dates in terms of how pregnant I would be. Every time I schedule an event, meeting, or dinner, my mind immediately calculates how pregnant I should be. I have already tried to calculate when my cycle will return…. So I can then calculate when I’ll be ovulating… So I can then calculate when I’ll be pregnant again. The one thing I should of learned from all of this is: you can’t plan anything. For some reason, I am still trying to plan and calculate… 

This past Sunday I was walking with my mom and the discussion of Mother’s Day was brought up. In hindsight, I should of remained quiet, but against my better judgement I turned to her and confessed that the upcoming holiday was going to be difficult for me. In response, true to form, she told me that I was never a mother and that I was being ridiculous. My mother is not a bitch, but sometimes, she doesn’t think before she speaks. She isn’t emotional and for her, she doesn’t understand the hurt I feel. Instead of indulging her, I choked back tears and remained quiet. Ironically- this conversation was taking place on Bereaved Mother’s Day.  A holiday I hadn’t known existed before that morning. I understand I am not a mother in the traditional sense: having living children, but for all intents and purposes, I am, I was a mother, even if it was only for 15 weeks.