Capture your Grief: Day 13- Regrets + Triggers 

  
Regrets: 

I wish I didn’t worry as much as I did during the pregnancy. Worrying for me did not change the outcome, it’s just made me miserable. Of course this is easier said than done in hindsight, but I am trying my hardest to put that into practice through this pregnancy. 

Triggers: 

  • Baby bumps of all shapes and sizes (even though I am currently pregnant, I never had a bump before and a bump to me indicates a healthy baby… Also something I have yet to have)
  • Pregnancy announcements prior to 12 weeks- aren’t you fucking lucky to still be blissful ignorant. 
  • Pregnancy announcements on social media- aren’t you fucking lucky to be blissfully ignorant… 
  • People who assume pregnancy = baby- once again- fuck you and your blissful ignorance.
  • Newborn girls 
  • Pregnant woman pregnant with newborn girls 
  • My daughter’s name (I do not wish to disclose) 
  • Ultrasounds (my blood pressure sky rockets and I tend to cry) 

Capture your Grief: Day 9- Family

  

  
Dedicated to ADG, KCM and AKP

When I think of family, I don’t just think of my parents, sister, husband and in-laws, I think of the few people that are very close and dear to me.  To me, this closeness is defined as those I am completely uninhibited by.  They have seen me at my best, and they have held me at my worst. They have run to be by my side when I have needed them the most and they have listened to me when my voice is indistinguishable through my cries. They are the people that I would be there for in a heartbeat.  I would donate parts of my body to them, if it meant their survival.  I want to always be there for them.  I genuinely and sincerely love them unconditionally.

Capture your Grief: Day 8- Wish List


I wish to never forget my daughter.  As I go on to build my family, I always want her to be remember as my first.  She is what made me a mother. I intend to share her story with my unborn child. I want him or her to know that they have an older sister, and that older sister is the reason for their existence. I hope to never be ashamed of my experience and I want to share what happened to spread awareness of pregnancy loss and more specifically having to terminated a much wanted pregnancy.

Lastly,  I wish to help others through their grief and healing by making them feel less alone. By sharing my experience, it allows other grieving parents to know that they are not the only ones embarking on this undesired journey.  Through sharing my experience, I hope to provide comfort and support to other bereaved parents.

Capture your Grief: Day 6- Books


Following my loss, I did not seek out books on the subject of pregnancy loss, instead I turned to forums and blogs. In fact, I created this blog to document my journey through this grief and healing. As I began blogging, I also began finding comfort in reading other people’s stories on their loss.  In a sense, it made me feel less alone.  There are very few people that I personally know that have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, and therefore, I was left feeling very lonely. Reading the daily blog entries and being allowed to show support by commenting and ‘liking’ entries has provided me with a sense of community and belonging.

Capture your Grief: Day 5- Empathy 

  
Photo credit: blog.teleosleaders.com

Anyone who has experienced an pregnancy, infant or child loss has experienced someone’s ’empathetic’ comments. Usually they are wildily inappropriate and leaved the bereaved feeling worse than they already did. There are countless articles and blog posts about what not to say to someone experiencing this type of loss, but very few on what to say. To be honest, there really isn’t anything anyone can say to make the bereaved feel better. It’s a harsh, but true reality. Instead of saying something that might further upset the person, offer your ear and a shoulder. Most of time, we just want to talk. We want to remember our children and make sense of the unexplainable. We aren’t always looking for something to say the right thing. More often than not, we just need a support. Tell us that you are always there for us. Tell us how much you love us and how shitty it is that this happened. Tell us that you wish you could take our pain away. Most importantly acknowledge our child(ren). To us, they meant everything and we loved them with every part of our being and we deserve for that feeling to be honored and respected. 

Capture your grief day 4: Dark + Light 

  
 The Dark: 

March 20th was the day my world cam crashing down. We arrived at our NT scan excited to see our baby wiggling on the screen. This was going to be the first ultrasound where the baby actually looked like a baby! As we the ultrasound proceeded and the tech grazed the device over the belly, she was rather quiet. She didn’t say much and I didn’t think anything of it. Because remaining quiet during this exciting time was not my strong suit, I asked her how it was going. She responded with saying ‘there’s nothing to worry about until the doctor says so.’ Kind of bizarre, but I shrugged it off and enjoyed watching my baby. She moved from grazing my abdomen to inserting the sonogram device… Interesting I thought, but once again, didn’t question it. After the scan, she left the room. I had a weird unsettling feeling. It might of been the techs energy of the way she sauntered out of the room, but something didn’t seem right. I mentioned this to my husband and he dismissed my worries and said to relax. Moments later the doctor walks in. He’s body language says it all. Good news is not on the horizon. He disclosed that based on the scan our child had an 80% chance of hack a chromosomal abnormality. In that moment I lost sight, my body temperature rose, and I felt faint. I couldn’t hear or process anything the doctor was saying. I knew my husband was listening and answering questions, but I couldn’t attend to any of it. As we left exam room, I ran to the bathroom and threw up. It was the beginning of the end and I knew it. 

2 and a half weeks later we found out our daughter had a trismony. 

3 weeks later we made the heartbreaking choice to terminate the pregnancy

2 weeks later we found out we weren’t carriers and the genetic anomaly was a fluke

Almost 7 months later, It feels as fresh as it did the day of. 

  
The Light: 

My husband is my rock. He was an unbelievable supprt system through this nightmare. I say a side of him that made me love him more than I already did and I didn’t think possible. 

I have incredible friends. The few friends that I hold dear to my heart were an unbelievable support and continue to be so. They listen to me relieve the day and they let me express my current fears. I couldn’t of survive this without them. 

I have met and become closer to woman who have experienced similar losses. Together we have been able to support one another through our grief and healing. 

I have eliminated the toxic people in my life. Before all of this, I kept friends around that weren’t healthy. They didn’t make me feel the best about myself and they certainly didn’t care about me the way I deserved to be cared about. After experiencing this loss, I realized what I needed from the people in my life. Toxic friends had to go. 

Today I am 10 weeks 2 days pregnant. I am terrified, but beyond greatful. I feel honored to be carrying life inside of me again. I am excited to be able to tell this child about their older sister and how much she meant to her father and myself and without her, we wouldn’t be meeting them. We hope and pray that we get to meet this sweet baby. 

Capture your Grief  day 3: In Honor 

  

**Your father driving with a rainbow in the background.**

Today was suppose to be my daughter’s due date. I am embarking on this project in her honor. I haven’t shared the name of my daughter, and I am hesitant to do so. The name we choose for her is a trigger for me, but a name that means more to me now than it did before we said goodbye. If I am blessed with a second daughter I plan to give this name, in her memory and in her honor.

Every since my loss, I have been different. I have found myself appreciating my alone time much more. I have pulled away from toxic friends and stopped reaching out to peripheral friends; friendship that lack the connection I need right now. This is probably a good thing. At times I do feel lonely. I feel like I have to fake small talk when all I really want to do is talk about my daughter or about how my second child, the one I am pregnant with now, feels in comparison. 

I hoped to be welcoming a baby girl today. I have hoped she would of grown up with her father’s loyalty, remarkable ability to socialize with anyone and ambition. I had hoped she would have her mother’s affectionate and quiet disposition. I hope she would of encompassed all the great qualities of her mother and father while not inheriting the negative. I hoped she would of known how to treat people and to be happy. I hoped she would of been healthy and happy. 

The follow up appointment

I had the follow up appointment today.  Two weeks after a termination, you have to go back to your OBGYN to make sure your parts are healing properly from the surgery. The second I entered the doctors office I broke into tears. There was a woman sitting in the waiting room and my eyes immediately scanned to her midsection. I am going to loose my mind if she is pregnant. This is now how I think when I see pregnant women.  I start to curse in my head and resent them.  This is how I felt about this woman when all I saw was the back of her head… She wasn’t expecting.  I was relieved.  I then, immediately, felt guilty.I hate feeling this way.

It seemed like everyone knew my story and everyone was giving me looks of sympathy.  By everyone I mean the two nurses and the receptionist. Prior to me being called, the receptionist, who is also married to my doctor whispered to the nurse.  I am assuming she was explaining the purpose of my visit. I averted my eyes when she looked up, but I felt them on me…I knew she knew. This same nurse then called my name and asked me to follow her to the exam room.

As I entered the exam room I broke down even harder. The nurse, without hesitation, took me in her arms and hugged me so tightly.  She kept telling me that it as going to be okay. The only thing I could mutter out was ‘is he going to have to do an ultrasound?’ Naturally, I was terrified of having to see my empty uterus.  Seeing the space that used to house my baby girl was about the last thing I could bare. The nurse reassured me that it was only going to be a pelvic exam and I need not to worry.  I didn’t know this woman, but her act of compassion was everything I needed in that moment. She was absolutely lovely.

Once the exam was over, (thankfully everything looked fine), my husband and I met with our doctor in his office.  We have a lot of questions and no answers right now. Its terribly frustrating.  My doctor told us that in his practice of thirty years he has never seen the genetic marker that our daughter had.  We won the shitty lottery! We are still waiting on the carrier test results, but our doctor feels like this is most likely a fluke.  My husband and I are healthy and neither of us have a family history of genetic disorders.  Hypothetically, we shouldn’t be carriers.  On top of that, if this has never been seen before, wouldn’t it make more sense that this a a de novo case (new to the baby and not inherited)? I am trying to make sense of something that I can’t make sense of. We will hopefully have an answer next week.  I am crossing my fingers that this is a fluke.  Please be a fucked up fluke, please, please please.

Everything does not happen for a reason 

I feel like I been faced with this statement quite a few times: everything happens for a reason. In saying this, the person believes that the reason is for something good to come of this.  I do not agree with this statement. Would you turn to someone who was just in a serious car accident and tell them that everything happens for a reason? Or to grieving parents after the death of their child  who was actually born into the world? The answer is no- so why are you saying it to me? I understand that their intention is to help, but sometimes there are no ‘good’ reasons or even answers… And sometimes shitty things happen to good people and sometimes good things happen to shitty people. I wish I could make sense of it all.