When I think of family, I don’t just think of my parents, sister, husband and in-laws, I think of the few people that are very close and dear to me. To me, this closeness is defined as those I am completely uninhibited by. They have seen me at my best, and they have held me at my worst. They have run to be by my side when I have needed them the most and they have listened to me when my voice is indistinguishable through my cries. They are the people that I would be there for in a heartbeat. I would donate parts of my body to them, if it meant their survival. I want to always be there for them. I genuinely and sincerely love them unconditionally.
After having to terminate a much wanted pregnancy and go through the emotional turmoil that accompanies grief, you gain a little perspective on the things in life that truly matter and those that don’t. Over the last four months I have really cleansed myself of toxicity. I pulled myself away from toxic people and have realized that I much prefer the company of myself over being of the presences of people that I truly don’t love and infuriate me. Prior to my loss, I had this notion that quantity of friends was not necessarily more important that quality, but the amount did contribute to a sense of self worth. This wasn’t overtly obvious to myself until I stepped backed and asked myself: why? Going through what I was going through required a lot of patience of my friends and family. I was and continue to be a ticking time bomb of emotions. I cry and anger easily, especially in the midst of certain topics of conversations. I needed people and continue to need people in my life that understand that and don’t try to change it or worse, ignore it. Previous [to my loss], people’s reactions would upset me and rather than honing into the immaturity of certain responses, I would ask myself, what did I do wrong? And how do I fix this? When in fact, there was nothing for me to fix. People, as old as forty still respond and reply to angering situations like they are twelve. When they don’t get what they want they take a personal jab at your character instead of addressing the issue at hand. I don’t have the energy for that. I don’t want to entertain those types of personalities. Friends are suppose to support you and to encourage you, the last thing anyone wants or needs is to be surrounded by people who are purposefully cruel and dismissive.
Prior to my pregnancies, weight and body image were always something that plagued my mind. Daily, I would analyze my body, determining the areas of need and ultimately, I would humiliate myself. I would frequently tell myself because I didn’t fit a specific image- I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t realize I was subconsciously behaving this way until I began to appreciate my body during pregnancy. I stopped analyzing the negative and I began to focus on the beauty. When I lost my babies, my attitude began to revert back. I noticed it immediately. I began to tell myself that if I wasn’t carrying, I couldn’t look like I was as it was a constant reminder of my losses. I quickly learned what I was doing to myself and I pledged to stop. I had been through enough and the last thing I needed from myself was to make myself feel less than. Although it’s proven more than difficult than I’d like, I have vowed to give myself affirmations upon glancing in the mirror. I would be lying if I said this came easily. More often than not I have to remind myself to be kind.