This might be true for everyone, but there gets to a time in a relationship with someone where I have no more to give. in essence, I have forgiven them so many times, that I just don’t have the energy to forgive anymore. And the relationship dissolves. I have gotten to this point with a few friendships for several different reasons. I know I constantly look back on them and ask myself- ‘did I give up too soon?’ I tend to beat myself up about it and question myself; ‘was I in the wrong? Did I do the right thing? Was I too harsh?’ When I reflect on those questions, I ultimately come to the same terms I came to when I decided to dissolve the friendship; it wasn’t healthy and I was not happy. By dissolving the friendship, I was protecting myself from more frustration and hurt. I accepted those friends for who they are, but with that acceptance I realized what was best for me. I think, ultimately, I need to forgive myself for ‘giving up.’ In all honesty, this is a huge struggle. Its more so a struggle now, as I get older, and building friendships are more difficult than it was 10 years ago.
Every since my loss, I have found myself reflecting on this quite frequently. It could be because the loss has made me feel very lonely and bitter and as a result, making new friends is the last thing I intend to do, therefore I am reflecting on past friendships- potentially holding them on undeserving pedestals. Or maybe I am too harsh? Clearly, forgiving and accepting myself for these decisions is still a challenge and will probably always be a struggle.