I woke up this morning feeling pretty shitty. My head felt hazy and my body felt exhausted. I routinely check my email as I lay in bed and I opened an email from ‘what to expect: termination for medical reasons.’ This is basically a forum from the app about woman discussing their TFMR and some their pregnancy after their loss. Sometimes I read them, sometimes I can’t. The first and only one I read today was from a woman who terminated due to trisomy 13. She discussed her decision and how that decisions came from love. She would absorb the pain her son would of felt by mourning his loss forever. Naturally, as I approached the end of the post, I was drenched in tears. I miss my daughter. I am upset that next week I won’t welcome her into this world, instead she is just a memory. I am in tears because I feel like I am still mourning her loss while carrying her sibling. It’s not that I don’t love the baby inside me, but I feel disconnected. I’m scared to let myself become attached. How could I handle it if I lost this one too? 

I am scheduled for a CVS (chorionic villus sampling) on Friday. I am having mixed feelings about the procedure. I will be exactly 10 weeks and the risks scare me. What if it causes me to miscarry a healthy baby? What would the CVS have been for? Nothing. What if we find horroring results and I have to TFMR again? How will I survive the grief? 

In my previous pregnancy I was able to have a CVS transabdominally. I’d much prefer this method because there is less of a risk of miscarrying. Can I advocate for this? In anyone’s experience with a CVS’ were you given a choice?