Capture your grief day 4: Dark + Light 

 The Dark: 

March 20th was the day my world cam crashing down. We arrived at our NT scan excited to see our baby wiggling on the screen. This was going to be the first ultrasound where the baby actually looked like a baby! As we the ultrasound proceeded and the tech grazed the device over the belly, she was rather quiet. She didn’t say much and I didn’t think anything of it. Because remaining quiet during this exciting time was not my strong suit, I asked her how it was going. She responded with saying ‘there’s nothing to worry about until the doctor says so.’ Kind of bizarre, but I shrugged it off and enjoyed watching my baby. She moved from grazing my abdomen to inserting the sonogram device… Interesting I thought, but once again, didn’t question it. After the scan, she left the room. I had a weird unsettling feeling. It might of been the techs energy of the way she sauntered out of the room, but something didn’t seem right. I mentioned this to my husband and he dismissed my worries and said to relax. Moments later the doctor walks in. He’s body language says it all. Good news is not on the horizon. He disclosed that based on the scan our child had an 80% chance of hack a chromosomal abnormality. In that moment I lost sight, my body temperature rose, and I felt faint. I couldn’t hear or process anything the doctor was saying. I knew my husband was listening and answering questions, but I couldn’t attend to any of it. As we left exam room, I ran to the bathroom and threw up. It was the beginning of the end and I knew it. 

2 and a half weeks later we found out our daughter had a trismony. 

3 weeks later we made the heartbreaking choice to terminate the pregnancy

2 weeks later we found out we weren’t carriers and the genetic anomaly was a fluke

Almost 7 months later, It feels as fresh as it did the day of. 

The Light: 

My husband is my rock. He was an unbelievable supprt system through this nightmare. I say a side of him that made me love him more than I already did and I didn’t think possible. 

I have incredible friends. The few friends that I hold dear to my heart were an unbelievable support and continue to be so. They listen to me relieve the day and they let me express my current fears. I couldn’t of survive this without them. 

I have met and become closer to woman who have experienced similar losses. Together we have been able to support one another through our grief and healing. 

I have eliminated the toxic people in my life. Before all of this, I kept friends around that weren’t healthy. They didn’t make me feel the best about myself and they certainly didn’t care about me the way I deserved to be cared about. After experiencing this loss, I realized what I needed from the people in my life. Toxic friends had to go. 

Today I am 10 weeks 2 days pregnant. I am terrified, but beyond greatful. I feel honored to be carrying life inside of me again. I am excited to be able to tell this child about their older sister and how much she meant to her father and myself and without her, we wouldn’t be meeting them. We hope and pray that we get to meet this sweet baby.