Breastfeeding contradictions 

For starters I am pretty comfortable breastfeeding in public and in front of people…with a cover. Let me clarify I don’t care who sees my gigantic boob, however I doubt the feeling is mutual to passerbys and my in laws.  So therefore- the cover makes it a more comfortable endeavor. For those of you who use the cover can probably agree- it’s a huge pain in the ass, especially in the heat of the summer. The baby gets tangled in it as you tries to latch, then it traps heat so she detaches and squirms for some arm, we both start to sweat… I will literally spend a 10 minute nursing sessions trying to just get to latch on for longer than 15 seconds as a time. It’s no fun for anyone. 

Even though I wish we lived in a society whee my boob wasn’t sexualized (however if seen that statement might be revoked considering my boob is the size of a cantolope, covered in prominent blue ways and a very pale, extra large aeriola/nipple), I do welcome excuse to leave social situations to just have 1:1 with my baby. It’s a great excuse: awkward small talk? Sorry gotta nurse! Bored of the conversation? Sorry gotta nurse! Just want a ficking break? Sorry gotta nurse! 

Needless to say, I kind of feel like I am a walking contradictions. I want the freedom to whip a boob out without making my husband feel like a male passerby is going to pop a woody (ha! More than gasp in horror and wonder if this is the fate of all tits) and yet I want the excuse to exit whenever I want… 

A post about everything 


I have to say it’s going pretty well! I started pumping a little over a week ago and if I pump twice daily I can get about 5oz to store away! 

Sometimes my kid gets lazy and does a half ass latch and I scream and my nipple retracts (oh I wish- more like I have fo stick my finger in her mouth to break the suction death grip).

I inevitable leak all over my bed during nighttime feedings. BreastMilk leaves a bit of a stain… (At least I am hoping it was just breast milk..)

So I thought my 34Cs were big in high school/college… Then they grew over the last 10 plus years to a DD. Pregnancy brought them to a DDD.. Now God only knows. All I know is that one boob alone is bigger than my baby. Nothing I own fits them. I can’t zip up swearshirts. I feel like I’m going to topple over. 

Despite their unruly size, it’s pretty incredible that this milk jugs are the sole nurioushment for my baby and so far she is thriving! Thank god they aren’t just for show. 

Ha. Hahaha. What is that? 

Olivia hates the bassinet. Hates it. I can trick her into sleeping in it if she is out cold before I put her in. If she is semi awake, forget it. She remembers she has just eaten and then tries aggressively to poop. Which ends up in an explosion which requires the whole ‘getting her down’ process to begin again. 

I’m sure like many babies- she prefers to sleep on us. Despite my overwhelming anxiety surrounding her wellbeing- I cave because I am desperate for shut eye. We fall asleep together and anywhere from 1-3 hours she wakes us up, and we are sweating. Skin to skin can get hot. 

Bodily fluids:

I never understood why parents did so much laundry. Like how many teeny tiny outfits can one little human go through? HA! It’s not just them… I am perpetually covered in spit up, poop or pee. It’s MY laundry that requires some much laundering… Not this tiny human.

Also- I have never seen projectile poop until recently. It’s squirts out like a mustard bottle… White clothes beware

My kid farts. She tends to fart when I am changing her. If she begins to pee mid change while simultaneously fart- pee shoots everywhere. 


All humor aside, this one is real. I am constantly checking her to make sure she is breathing. I fear SiDS, acts of God, germs, people, bugs, etc. You name it- I have fabricated a way that it could harm my kid. I am a ball of nerves and it sucks.