Oh Hey PTSD!

A week from today is the dreaded NT scan. The scan that triggers anxiety, stress and an epic meltdown. I have such a clear picture of that first NT scan, with the first baby that made it to 12 weeks…

As we approached the hospital, I stopped dead in my tracks, held my stomach, turned to my husband and questioned ‘what if something is wrong?’ He brushed away my worry, without words, telling me I was being a nut. In my gut, I had known something was awry. I shook off the doubt attributing it to this being the ‘first’ pregnancy (or one that has made it this far). However, as much as I tried to reassure myself, I knew something wasn’t right. My biggest fears were confirmed. I remember the color of my nails, the clothes I was wearing, the silent ultrasound sound tech who refused to answer any question or reassure my fears, the color of the doctors hair, the sound of his voice and thick accent, his body language as he entered the room, and the unforgettable feeling of finding out something is terminally wrong with your most wanted child.

This day becomes clearer as we approach this baby’s NT scan. I am prepare for a slow increase of anxiety as the day approaches and most likely an epic, two year old style meltdown as we enter the room.

Boy, would I love to know what innocence and ignorance feels like. I have been robbed and it doesn’t get easier, even after a healthy pregnancy…

A post about everything 

Breastfeeding:

I have to say it’s going pretty well! I started pumping a little over a week ago and if I pump twice daily I can get about 5oz to store away! 

Sometimes my kid gets lazy and does a half ass latch and I scream and my nipple retracts (oh I wish- more like I have fo stick my finger in her mouth to break the suction death grip).

I inevitable leak all over my bed during nighttime feedings. BreastMilk leaves a bit of a stain… (At least I am hoping it was just breast milk..)

So I thought my 34Cs were big in high school/college… Then they grew over the last 10 plus years to a DD. Pregnancy brought them to a DDD.. Now God only knows. All I know is that one boob alone is bigger than my baby. Nothing I own fits them. I can’t zip up swearshirts. I feel like I’m going to topple over. 

Despite their unruly size, it’s pretty incredible that this milk jugs are the sole nurioushment for my baby and so far she is thriving! Thank god they aren’t just for show. 
Sleep:

Ha. Hahaha. What is that? 

Olivia hates the bassinet. Hates it. I can trick her into sleeping in it if she is out cold before I put her in. If she is semi awake, forget it. She remembers she has just eaten and then tries aggressively to poop. Which ends up in an explosion which requires the whole ‘getting her down’ process to begin again. 

I’m sure like many babies- she prefers to sleep on us. Despite my overwhelming anxiety surrounding her wellbeing- I cave because I am desperate for shut eye. We fall asleep together and anywhere from 1-3 hours she wakes us up, and we are sweating. Skin to skin can get hot. 

Bodily fluids:

I never understood why parents did so much laundry. Like how many teeny tiny outfits can one little human go through? HA! It’s not just them… I am perpetually covered in spit up, poop or pee. It’s MY laundry that requires some much laundering… Not this tiny human.

Also- I have never seen projectile poop until recently. It’s squirts out like a mustard bottle… White clothes beware

My kid farts. She tends to fart when I am changing her. If she begins to pee mid change while simultaneously fart- pee shoots everywhere. 

Anxiety:

All humor aside, this one is real. I am constantly checking her to make sure she is breathing. I fear SiDS, acts of God, germs, people, bugs, etc. You name it- I have fabricated a way that it could harm my kid. I am a ball of nerves and it sucks. 

Officially trying

So my husband and I are now trying to get pregnant again. I was apparently in my ‘fertile window’ over the weekend and we took advantage of that. Now comes the TWW, the two week wait, and the obsessing. I told myself I wasn’t going to use an OPK. I was going to use the app Ovia which worked last time. On day 18 of my cycle, I was curious and took a Ovulation test. It was a faint positive which is equivalent to not ovulating- but does that mean I ovulated the day prior? We weren’t able to have sex the last 2 days of my fertile window, but did have sex twice on my ‘most fertile day,’ according to the app. Since this was my first cycle in 6 months, I am assuming that everything was how it was prior, but I am nervous that it’s not. I am nervous that I missed an opportunity because  we weren’t able to have sex all six days… And I am obsessing…. 

How do I not let my head go crazy with this stuff?  If I got pregnant easily twice (first months try resulted in a chemical pregnancy and then the second was the next cycle which resulted in a TFMR), then could it be just as easy this time? How do I sit back and just let nature do it’s thing? I don’t know how to be ‘laid back’ and ‘relaxed’ when it comes to trying to get pregnant after everything I’ve been through. Help.