NT scan

Today I had the fearful NT scan. My anxiety started last night. I cried. I don’t remember the last time I actually had, but once Olivia was asleep, I had an adult meltdown. This morning I was more of a wreck. I walked to my in laws to drop Olivia off because I need the fresh air. After she gave me a sweet hug and kiss I was off.

Waiting in the waiting room was hard. Tears flowed again. My husband told me I was being ridiculous. Maybe he was right? I took a deep breathe and brushed them away.

We get called and the minute we enter the room, I can’t control them. They flow and I explain, very vaguely my history. ‘I’ve had bad news with this test before.’ She understood. She was sympathetic. The second the wand was on my belly the heartbeat was detected. Hurdle one. She did a short scan and then told me someone else was coming in: cue- freak out. She assured me it was nothing and that everything looked good, she, however, wasn’t skilled enough to measure the nuchal fold. Fine. Second lady walked in, she was definitely briefed on my psychosis. She was lovely and told me everything that she saw. The baby wasn’t cooperating and wasn’t in the proper position. I drank some juice. I ate some cookies. I walked around. Then we were good to go. She immediately identify the Nuchal fold as being thin before even measuring. To be exact. It measured 1.9. We were good. The baby is good. Whew.

I feel like a weight has been lifted. I know I will be anxious with the anatomy scan, but at least I jumped the first hurdle. So I guess I am really having a baby?

Oh Hey PTSD!

A week from today is the dreaded NT scan. The scan that triggers anxiety, stress and an epic meltdown. I have such a clear picture of that first NT scan, with the first baby that made it to 12 weeks…

As we approached the hospital, I stopped dead in my tracks, held my stomach, turned to my husband and questioned ‘what if something is wrong?’ He brushed away my worry, without words, telling me I was being a nut. In my gut, I had known something was awry. I shook off the doubt attributing it to this being the ‘first’ pregnancy (or one that has made it this far). However, as much as I tried to reassure myself, I knew something wasn’t right. My biggest fears were confirmed. I remember the color of my nails, the clothes I was wearing, the silent ultrasound sound tech who refused to answer any question or reassure my fears, the color of the doctors hair, the sound of his voice and thick accent, his body language as he entered the room, and the unforgettable feeling of finding out something is terminally wrong with your most wanted child.

This day becomes clearer as we approach this baby’s NT scan. I am prepare for a slow increase of anxiety as the day approaches and most likely an epic, two year old style meltdown as we enter the room.

Boy, would I love to know what innocence and ignorance feels like. I have been robbed and it doesn’t get easier, even after a healthy pregnancy…