Before I had Olivia and even the short days following her birth I would often hear people discuss how their appreciation for their parents, especially their mother, grew after becoming parents themselves. I don’t want to say that my appreciation waiverer, however, I have developed an anger, or better yet, that anger has resurfaced with a different cause.
As I am raising my daughter, my own insecurities are coming to the forefront. I am sure there are other variables, but I can’t help but want to blame my mom for not empowering me more, encouraging me to believe in and value myself and teaching me social skills that would allow me to flourish. I left childhood feeling like I could never live up to her expectations and I wouldn’t ever be good enough.
These melodramatic feeling faded in and out throughout my last 31 years, but recently they have intensified. This could be because I am in a relatively new area and I have yet to my find my niche. New is definitely relative, because it’s been two years and I feel isolated and lonely. I have to find a friends here because we are permanently calling this place home in less than a week… so my question is: how do you make other mom friends when you can barely face yourself in the mirror because of your anxiety and situational (I hope) depression? Yup… I used the D word.