Finding a balance 

When I was told that having a baby was hard, I simply thought they were referring to the care of the baby- how hard could that be? Boy- was I mistaken. They weren’t kidding when they said EVERYTHING changes…and it ain’t easy! 

  • Sleep deprivation isn’t a ‘bad nights sleep,’ instead it is continuous. I haven’t slept through the night since my daughter was born, actually since I was 6 months pregnant.. So I basically haven’t slept a solid nights sleep since lastyear… 2015… As a result- I feel dumb. Can’t remember a thought had or question posed moments prior, I don’t remember where I put my keys, and I find items like my sunglasses in obscure places like the freezer… I also look tired. My eyes had slowly sunken into my head and dark circles accompanied with deep bags are formed under my eyes. It’s cute. 
  • Body- this is a given, but it has changed. Nursing boobs covered in blue veins take up the length of my turso causing shoulder and back pain, fat from the pregnancy has seen to deposit EVERYWHERE, I am just bigger…
  • Marriage- we have a very different approach to parenting and we need to find a balance. True to form: I am more anxious and prompt while my husband is quite the opposite. For example, the baby takes a massive poo- I will immediately change the baby. My husband, on the other hand, will wait 3-5 minutes claiming she isn’t ‘done.’ 99.9% of the time she is done. This discrepancy in action tends to cause a bit of a squabble… We have also had almost no alone time. It’s a mix between not having time because of our work schedule and just not wanting to leave the baby because of guilt…
  • The guilt… Ohhhh the fucking guilt. I haven’t exercised since I have returned to work 2 weeks ago. I get home and I feel guilty if I don’t give her my individed attention before she goes to bed somewhere between 6:45-8… Then I pass the f out because I am so wiped from being up at 5am and multiple times before that… I feel guilty taking care of myself. I am hoping I can find a balance and/or she sleeps through the night and I can exercise in my living room after I put her down. I also don’t want to ‘break her.’ Like am I starting food too early? And I putting her to bed too late? Is it wrong to cosleep some nights when she just won’t sleep?? Am I creating a monster??? Am I paying too much attention to my daughter and not my husband? Does he feel left out??… Oh the fucking guilt… 

5 months 

Olivia is 5 months! She’s roughly 14 pounds and I don’t know her length because I have not measured her…

This month:

  • We started some solids. She is not so sure about it. We don’t eat every day and some days she wants more than others. We have eaten: blueberries, sweet potato, butternut squash, banana, avocado, peas, oatmeal, and apples. She seems to prefer vegetables over fruits. I’m sure this will change. 
  • She also only drinks breast milk 
  • I had returned to work and she has transitioned like a champ! 
  • She is giggling!!
  • She has exhibited princer grip
  • She puts everything in her mouth
  • We have had 2 nights of her sleeping through the night… It’s better Han none!

I have to say- she is one happy camper!!

Back to reality 

Tomorrow is day 4 of reality aka back to work. Some interesting points: 

  • Since the start of my return, my kid refuses to sleep longer than 3 hours… Needless to say I am running on fumes and this was fine during maternity leave, but I need to present as a functioning human
  • Pumping at work has been okay so far… However I know at some point there will be issues. I have already been warned of ‘that one person’ who thinks I can only pump on my prep and lunch. That can totally work if they are at least 2.5 hours apart… If they are back to back: fuck you. I have rights and I need to provide milk for my kid (this means sneaking into the bathroom at work while my amazing co-teacher holds down the fort) 
  • When I get home my daughter uses me as an all you can eat Boob Buffet, and that’s cool.
  • Being a mom has made me a calmer teacher… I needed that…
  • There aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done 
  • Daddy daycare means I come home to a mess of a house
  • And I am fucking (excuse my French) tired 

Weird things I’ve noticed postpartum 

  • Hair loss that’s terrifying; drains, brushes, fists and floors covered in fallen hair
  • An obscene amount of ear wax (is this hormonal??)
  • BO- I could go a day without deodorant on the off chance I forgotten the morning of. Now even with deodorant, I stink. 
  • Less body hair (I guess I am shedding everywhere?)
  • My taste is different- foods I couldn’t stand before I now love and vice Versa