1am feeding thoughts 

I sit rockinng my daughter, waiting for her to decide if she wants more boob, I began thinking more about visitors…

I mentioned how I was super overwhelmed days 2-3 of my daughter’s life with the amount of vistors and because of that I request two days of no one. Thankfully I got it… But no without a fight (well not really a fight). Yesterday my husband asked me if it would be okay if his parents stopped by. Luckily this was through text as he had to run to the store so he didn’t see my huge eye roll and exhale of frustration. I asked what time, however he wasn’t sure and was going to get back to me. I was finding a way out in a submissive way. Fuck that. Before he could respond I used my headache to my advantage (I have had a serious headache off and on since we got home from the hospital- any suggestions on how to deal with this is greatly appreciated!). All I had to say was ‘well let’s see if this headache goes away.’ He then said ‘okay so I’ll tell them no.’ My husband is pretty straight forward so I didn’t read into the text being passive aggressive and took it at face value. Other times I might begin to feel bad. At this point- I couldn’t give a fuck. I left off with tell him maybe tomorrow. I woke up this morning and my headache was still there but I figured that if I didn’t give a day/time for them to come- they would start getting more antsy. So I texted my mother in law two options: come before our doctors appointment at 3 or after. She chose after. She later texted my husband to get a time. I told him to tell her 6 and that id be most likely heading to bed at 7:30- with baby girl.

Naturally- they were running late because they were finishing up dinner. This is number one thing that pissed me off. We just had a baby 6 days ago. I am lucky enough to fine 5 minutes to take a shit let along prepare a meal. Luckily my mother prepare a ton of food for us for the week and left it in our fridge when I was still in the hospital. She is also planning on coming today insisting she clean our house… And also make us more food. Needless to say my mom has earned heralded endless hours of baby snuggles… Baby brain has my side tracked, basically I am pissed because they didn’t offer to bring us food/ pick up a pizza/ anything that would be helpful. Instead they wanted to just hold the baby. They also arrived at 6:30. She got hungry around 7:15 so I took her upstairs to feed her. She took her time. That’s my girl. And my husband came up 25 minutes later and asked if she was still eating. Dude she’s at my nipple, I think it’s self explanatory. I can only imagine he was feeling antsy because our guests were there to see her. I on the other hand was super proud of my daughter for slow eating and being slightly passive aggressive so I didn’t have to be.

At 7:45 I brought her down and  declared my exhaustion. I was then told to go get some rest and she would be brought to me when she was hungry… I fought this one a little. I wasn’t ready to not have her with arms reach. But because I knew I could benefit from a couple hours of sleep, I stopped protested and went to bed, leaving her to be passed around like a hot potato.

I hated being without her close and looked forward for when she would to feed next and luckily I didn’t have to wait long.

The first week… So far

Visitors:

I had read fellow bloggers blog posts about their feelings on visitors after their welcomed their child into the world prior to having my daughter. I simply read their posts, but didn’t really think about what I wanted in terms of visitors when I had my daughter… And I should have.

Prior to my c- section our immediate families came to wish us well and share in our excitement. Once they were allowed, they met our daughter in the recovery room. They had some wine and celebrated her arrival. It’s was perfect. 

The following day our family returned. We had some additional friends stop by. It was the first day of recovery so I was slowly getting up and walking and peeing on my own… I still needed assistance from the nurses and my husband. Needless to say- I looked and felt like I was hit by a train. The visits on this day were pretty short and sweet and I could handle them.

The next day was a nightmare. I was already feeling like shit from the surgery and I was overtired. Luckily I was able to shower so instead of looking like a train ran me over, it was more like a sedan. We had our baby photo shoot and our family was there to witness her in all her cuteness. This sweetness slowly changed when she started to become fussy and I knew we needed to try to feed. At this moment there were eleven visitors in my room. I was immediately overwhelmed. I announced I had to nurse and no one got it. So to not deal I put a blanket over my self to feed her. When you are learning to get your child to latch- a blanket over you is a bad decision. She would latch and she started to cry. Two more people walked in room and that’s when I started to loose it. I began to cry hysterically. I was overwhelmed,overtired, and over this crowd. Finally in that moment. My moment of emotional distress they kin of got it… With the help of my in laws…Honestly in hindsight I should of just whipped out my boob and scared everyone out of the room…

We had a few more visitors in the evening but their visits were short and sweet and they were staggered so it was less overwhelming. 

The next morning we were released. We headed home around 1. By 5:30pm our doorbell rang. My husbands coworkers stopped by with a gift… And wanted to see the baby. Okay. Fine. They came and went taking my husband with them for a quick celebratory drink. I was okay with that. I need some alone time with my daughter. While he was gone, my in laws stopped by. I was getting hungry and I needed my husband home to put the food together for me (my mom left us a ton of prepared homemade food). I texted him and he responded promptly that he was on his way. My in laws stayed and just wanted hold the baby. At this point I was exhausted and I just wanted to take off my clothes. I was noticing her ‘I’m hungry’ cues and made a comment. It was ingnored. Waited a few minutes, made the comment again. Same response. At this point my husband came home and fixed me a plate of food. I started to eat and hoped they would picked up on the cues… Nada. I made another comment about feeding her and needing to whip out the boob. FINALLY  they got it. They made moves. They left. Once they were out the door I told my husband I need a few days of no one. I needed to Learn our daughter and figure out her cues and needs. He said okay.

In hindsight I should of really figured out what I needed prior to having my girl, but to be honest, I don’t think I would of known what I would of needed and wanted in the days following her birth. However, I wish I was more vocal in those moments but I was too concerned with how I would come off… I should of said fuck it. 

Postpartum baby blues:

They are real. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I don’t feel depressed just sensitive. Like if I look at her and think about how lucky I am and how much I love her- the tears flow. 

Breastfeeding: 

Mastered the latch! Nips are still sore, but they are no longer raw, bleed, or badly ache! And I love nipple butter. 

Schedule:

This doesn’t exist in a traditional sense. We are on Olivia time. This means it could take 1-3 hours to get one small thing done.

Mommy feels:

Breastfeeding 101

  1. Baby’s are little vampires. They will make your nipples bleed and hurt
  2. You’re so in love with you baby that you fight through the pain 
  3. You will have contractions when you breastfeed
  4. Breast milk is a natural Chapstick for your raw, sore, bleeding nipples!
  5. According to the nurse in a few days they won’t hurt 
  6. According to the Internet in 3 weeks they won’t hurt 
  7. The pain feels like your nipples are being amputated 
  8. I want to punch the person that said breastfeeding doesn’t hurt 

Birth Story 

So as I mentioned before, we knew our daughter would be arriving via C-section on April 22, unless something happens earlier. Well something happened earlier! 
Thursday during the day my sister came out and spent the day with me. We went to run some baby errands, had a yummy lunch, took a walk, got some ice cream (banana!) and hung out in the sun. When she left I went to a skin care event that a friend had put together. I hadn’t eaten much but wasn’t starving and picked on some veggies and chips that were laid out. When I got home, I remember the left over banana ice cream… I went to town. As I got to the bottom of the dish I felt sick. Ice cream never makes me sick. I started to get a headache, then I got queasy, then I puked… I called the doctor. She told me that it was most likely nothing but she suggested that I go to the hospital anyways for blood work. Better be safe than sorry!

Around 11 we headed across the street to the hospital (very convenient!) I was immediately hooked up to monitors and my blood was drawn and my pressure was taken. Everything looked good… However the labs were down so we were prepared for a long wait on the blood. I was told that since my blood pressure wasn’t concerning I would most likely be sent home and receive the results through a phone call tomorrow. We waited a little longer… And I started having contractions. Nothing crazy, but they were definitely consistent. 

After seeing this- the resident discussed with my doctor who suggested I stay over night for over various. If I go into active labor then baby will come out a week earlier. I was down for that! 

I had contractions all night and at 7am since I wasn’t dialated, but still contracting I was told me doctor would deliver my baby via C-section at 6pm! Let me tell you- that was the longest wait on my life! However, I found comfort in hearing my baby’s heart rate throughout the entire day. 

The c-section stared around 6:30 following some prep and lots of anxiety! Our daughter was born at 6:57pm and the sound of her cry was probably the most amazing thing I have ever heard. I cried hysterically knowing that she had entered this world safely. 

She got cleaned, weighed and observed for a few minutes before she was brought over to me. Let me tell you- seeing this little nugget for the first time was surreal. She was so itty bitty and real! She was a real baby! (Yea this is a weird thought but when you are pregnant it’s hard to believe there is an actually baby in your belly!) To me-she was the sweetest thing I have ever laid eyes on. I’m sure her daddy felt the same way. L

After being closed back up (a very nauseated sensation), I was brought to recovery where I immediately had skin to skin and started to nurse. I still couldn’t get over that this little nugget was all mine! Our families came and all got to meet her when she was hours old and it is clear that this little mush is very much loved! 

More to come as I navigate this new life with this little life. I will be sure to share every meltdown, blowout, and anxiety ridden thought! 

False labor is a bitch 

Started having contractions kind of regularly. We were driving. We were fighting. BAM contractions. They came inconsistently every 5-7 minutes. Not exactly painful but intense tightening. I knew they were Braxton hicks but I have heard of BHs turning into turn labor so I was preparing myself. We got home. We got the bags ready. And the contractions diasppeared. I got excited. And now I am back to waiting. I want my baby. 

37 bumpdate 

How far along: 37 weeks and 5 days. 9 days until we meet baby!

Baby is the size of: Winter melon or honeydew melon. She is 19-22 inches long and between 6 and 7 pounds. However, my doctor thinks she is closer to 7 pounds.

Total weight gain:24 pounds

Symptoms:

  • insomnia! It is currently 2:53 am and I have been wide awake for an hour
  • hunger throughout the night…that might of been what woke me up in the first place and I might of gotten into last night’s left overs…
  • hemorrhoids….and they are starting to hurt
  • heartburn- I have gone through a bottle of tums in about 10 days
  • loose bowels- well this is a relief! This was the first reason I was awake in the middle of the night. I have to say its a nice change from the constipation that requires twice daily stool softeners…
  • peeing CONSTANTLY…I mean like now it is every 10 minutes…
  • pregnancy brain like whoa
  • increased sex drive

Food cravings:

  • Cereal and milk
  • fruit
  • carbs…like I could happily eat a baguette of french bread with peanut butter

Anything making you queasy or sick?:

  • nope!

Movement: Oh yes. Because she is feet first I get constant swift kicks to my vagina. Its a good wake up call in the moments I am dozing off…This would come in handy if I was still commuting to work and needing the wake up call. However, this is not the case so with every kick I stop dead in my tracks and sarcastically thank my daughter for the reminder that she is still kicking around.

Stretch marks: nope!

Gender: Girl, but like I said, I have an irrational fear she is going to come out boy. I suffer from anxiety and I feel like this is how my anxiety is manifesting. I was assured by my doctor that MFM in the hospital has never made a mistake on gender reveals. In addition, we saw the vagina at 27 weeks…so there is that.

Happy or moody? I am generally happy but getting very anxious. I really want to meet this baby of mine and although I promised myself I would enjoy these last few days of pregnancy I am getting over being large and in charge. I am partially over it, because I want to make sure she comes out healthy. Oh anxiety…

Best moments this week/baby milestones: I reached full term!!!!

Purchases for baby: I purchased an oxo tot wipe dispenser, one for the nursery and one travel sized. I know- its very exciting. We also received a beautiful hand knitted sweater and hats for baby from friends of ours.

Purchases for momma: Nipple butter! Apparently its a life saver for preparing your nipples for breast feeding and then to use after feedings.

The bump: measuring right on track according to the doctor!

Miss anything?

  • remembering things
  • not feeling like I should walk around without pants to make peeing every 10 minutes easier
  • being able to reach…to wipe…
  • the thought of having sex without thinking…ugh but HOW?
  • not having my boobs rest nicely on my stomach

Looking forward to? 

Obviously April 22nd!

  

10 days to go

If everything goes according to plan, I have 10 days left of my pregnancy. It could be less if I go into labor naturally, or it could be more if my dear child decides to flip. However, I find the latter to be unlikely. She has not moved since 32 weeks. I do not think she will decide to move her head down south. She enjoys being upright. Apparently she already marches to the beat of her own drum and doesn’t follow the crowd. I wonder if I am in for a stubborn, strong willed child?

I naturally have anxieties about my pending delivery. What will the procedure feel like? How will I mentally prepare for being sliced open? Will I grief the loss of a vaginal deliver (most likely)? What will the recovery feel like? Will I be ‘all there’ when I meet my much waited for baby? Will she come out safely? Will surgery go smoothly? Will it be without complications? Well..you get the point. The list of what ifs can go on and on… All I can do right now is breathe and enjoy the last days of this pregnancy.

I want to make sure I cherish these last 10 days with my daughter growing inside of me. I can control where she is right now and for all intents and purposes, I know she is safe. When she joins us in the outside world, there will things out of my control and I am pretty confident that a slew of anxieties will follow. I know I will miss running my protruding tummy and feeling her respond to my touch. I will miss feeling her hiccup. I am sure I will even miss those swift kicks to my vagina and bladder. I will miss the reminder that she is a part of me, growing with me.

 

Pregnancy is not easy. It’s downright uncomfortable towards the end. However, it is the most magical thing I have ever done. It’s probably the most incredible experience I have been granted thus far. Despite the aches and pains, hemorrhoids, forgetfulness and inability to sleep- I love being pregnant. Maybe it was the cards I was previously dealt, but the one thing I did not do during these past nine months, is take this experience for granted. I made sure of it. I made sure to enjoy every milestone big and small an to savor her every movement. I promised myself I would and I followed through with that promise.

Dear baby girl, as much as I am cherishing you as you continue to pack on the pounds within, I cannot wait to meet you on the outside. I dream about holding you and kissing your little face. You are all I can think about. I’ve never look forward to anything more than meeting you.

One Year Anniversary

A year ago today, we terminated a pregnancy. We made the heartbreaking decision to let our daughter go after a grim diagnosis. This was by far the worst day of my life. I remember the day very vividly. I remember entering the operating room and just breaking down. One of the nurses took me in her arms and reassured me that a sick child wouldn’t have the life she deserved and this act was out of love and to spare her a lifetime of pain and suffering. She assured me that I was making the right decision for me and my family and understood my emotional turmoil.

The weeks following this procedure, I cried continually. I cried myself to sleep, I cried when I woke up, I cried throughout the day. I ached for my baby to be back inside of me. I ached for her to be healthy. I hated the card that I was dealt. I resented anyone with a healthy pregnancy. I hated anyone who welcomed healthy children into their lives because it seemed easy for them.

I look back on this past year and I recognize that a lot has changed. I am not religious and I am minimally spiritual, but for some reason, I feel like I have to thank my first daughter for sending me her sister, who is happily kicking away at the moment. In honor of our first daughter, we are naming our second daughter with the name we had chosen for her. I toyed with whether or not I wanted to name her with the same name, or if I wanted to choose a different name before I got pregnant and when we found out it was another girl. Ultimately, we decided to keep the name. The name is not only one we love, but it also honors her memory and gives more meaning to it, at least it does to us.