Goodbye 2015

Peace out 2015. You were a hell of a rollercoaster and frankly I’m glad to see you go. 

I entered 2015 saying farewell to 2014. I had just suffered a miscarriage in Novemeber 2014 and I was relieved for the new year to bring mew hope. Well it did.  Then it didn’t. Then it did again. Rollercoaster. 

I discovered a new me in 2015- a person who is resentful, angry and bitter. I’d like to put that me aside for awhile and I’d like to be hopeful, kind and excited. 

I sincerely hope that 2016 brings me my healthy baby girl. I also wish that everyone suffering pregnancy loss and infant/child loss get their hope back in 2016. 

The Liebster Award 

Thank you Grief to Growth for your nomination! 

  
The Questions I’m answering

1: What is your favorite blog (mainstream or tiny, either is fine!)?

My Perfect Breakdown. In her real life, she’s incredible private, as dictated by her narration’s, but her writing is so honest and heart felt. She doesn’t hold anything back and reading her words is almost a privilege as you can assume she doesn’t share much outside of her blogging world. She’s also a beautiful writer. 

2: If you had to choose one moment in the past year to describe as the most impactful moment of your year – what would it be?

Losing my daughter due to chromosomal abnormalities at 15 weeks gestation. It impacted my life in more ways that I thought possible. Most importantly- it put life in perspective for me and really showed me the people I can count on and those who I can regard as acquaintances. 

3: How long have you been blogging?

I have been blogging for almost 9 months, since mid April 2015. 

4: How would you best describe your writing style?

How to describe my style? I basically write about whatever is on my mind at the moment and I try to to be as honestly as possible. I’d say I am more of a narrative (venter) writer. 

5: What’s your favorite book?

She’s Come Undone by Wally Lamb or The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls 

6: Who is the most influential person in your life?

I’d say my mom. I don’t think I make a decision without thinking ‘what would my mom do or say?’ 


7: Do you have any weird hobbies or habits?

I twirl my hair constantly. I’ve done so since I was two. I love the feeling of the softness between my fingers. My husband constant nags on me for it. Unfortunately- I’ll probably never stop. I learned from my mom. I’m pretty sure my daughter will be doing the same! 

  

8: Without giving it too much thought, list the first 3 things that pop into your head that you are grateful for!

My husband 

My pregnancy 

My friends and family (they are one in the same) 


9: What is something you want to learn to do?

Crochet! I taught myself to knit last winter and I slacked after my losses… I thought I’d try to move on to crochet. My husband bought me a lot for Christmas and I am excited to learn!

10: What is your favorite place that you have traveled to/visited?

I have to say Vermont. Each year my husband and friends go on an annual ski trip, and although I am NT a cold weather person, there is something so peaceful about the thick blanket of snow and a roaring fireplace. We’ve also traveled there in the summer with my family and I was never happier to go hiking, pick wild fruit, and swim in the lake. The nature was so calming and serene.  

11: You have an afternoon to yourself. No obligations, no chores, no to-do list – how do you spend it?

A long walk and a nap and maybe some guilty pleasure TV. 

Nominees:

Sweeping up the Broken Pieces 

An elefunk never forgets 

Ricky plus Lindsey 

Questions I am asking:

1. Why did you start blogging?

2. What is you number one regret?

3. Who is your favorite person and why?

4. What is your comfort food?

5. If you could have a super power, what would it be and why?

6. What is your fondest memory?

7. What is the strangest thing you do in your morning or bedtime routines? 

8. Do you have a guilty pleasure (like are trashy TV show)? If so- what is it?

9. Describe yourself in three words 

10. What is one thing you would tell you teenager self knowing what you know now?

11. What is one thing you cannot live without?

LIEBSTER AWARD RULES:

Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog. Display the Liebster Award on your blog. Share 11 random facts about yourself or answer the 11 questions you were asked. Nominate 11 bloggers (or as many as you can) with less than 200 followers for the award, and have them answer 11 questions. Let the other bloggers know you’ve nominated them. Copy the rules into your post.

What you see isn’t always what you get 

In my previous post I mentioned how I was still resentful when I say a pregnant woman, assuming her innocence was still intact. I received a comment that kind of knocked me into perspective. This individual reminded me that there are woman out there who are pregnant after loss(es) and to more or less look on with kind eyes. She’s right. And I have to admit, when I do become resentful- I try to remember that. I’ve ‘met’ a lot of woman through the blogging community that has experienced loss after loss and some have gone on to have healthy pregnancies and babies. I need to remember that everyone woman has their journey to make their families and what you see isn’t always what you get. 

What could of been 

Last Christmas was my first period after my first loss, a miscarriage at 5 weeks. It took 6 weeks to get my period back, and I was eagerly waiting because I was desperate to try again. My husband and I knew we wanted to have kids, but he preferred to not know about the details of ovulating of cervical mucus. To spare the poor man, I silently calculated my fertile window and plotted my seduction. At the end of January, I was pregnant. I was shocked, but relieved it happened right away. The moment the test turned positive, I was nervous. Naturally, I thought this nervousness was a result of just suffering a miscarriage. I told myself- get passed 5 weeks and then you should feel better. I passed 5 weeks… But was still not settled. At 7 weeks, my husband and I were headed to Puerto Rico. Our first doctors appointment was scheduled for the Monday after our return. The first day of our trip, I started to spot. It was brown… Not red…I discovered this after our first meal in San Jaun.  Maybe the flight? All I know is I was bracing myself for another loss. And I was anxious. When we got back to the hotel-  I refused sex and instead went to sleep. I woke up the next morning and ran to the bathroom. Red blood. A couple drops. My heart sank to feet. My pulse raced. I began to sweat. No no no, this can’t be happening again! I called my mom and I called my mother in law. Both assures me that spotting can be normal. I went about my day, trying to enjoy the time with my husband. I kept checking my underwear. No more red… Some brown…. Some tissue. It wasn’t a lot, but it was concerning… This continued the whole week. We returned to New York and the next day went to our first appointment. To our surprise- there was a heartbeat! I felt okay, but I was still super uneasy. At 9 weeks… I was spotting again. Still brown. I was then told I have low progesterone and was giving supplements. Somethings didn’t feel right. I became obsessed with looking up statistics of miscarriages and risks associated with weeks gestation. I was a ball of anxiety… Then our 12 week scan arrived, our nuchal translucency. We walked to the hospital and I remember thinking ‘shit, I am scared.’ My husband hushed my thoughts and ushered me through the automatic doors…

I often wonder if my intuition knew something was wrong from the beginning. Did my mind know my baby wasn’t healthy? Was the anxiety that I was feeling meant to let me in on my body’s failure to multiple and divide correctly? 

Even though I am noticeably pregnant- I still resent pregnant woman I see. I immediately get upset because I assume their journey to pregnancy was easy and their innocence is still intact. I resent them. I resent the families that get to announce their pregnancies at 12 weeks… Thinking they are bringing their baby home. I resent that fact that I posted a picture of our gender reveal on Instagram and had immediate anxiety. What if I have to explain another loss that I have made so public??? Why did I have to be so stupid. I should of kept it quiet longer… I miss my innocence. 

If I didn’t have the miscarriage, I would have a 5 month old baby.

If I didn’t have to terminate for medical reasons, because my daughter had extra chromosomal material on chromosome 8, my daughter would be almost 3 months… 

Instead, I am so grateful that I am carrying their sister. Every day I am thankful that I am pregnant and every day I am hopeful that I will bring this baby girl home in 4 months. I love her so much and I can’t wait to show her just how much when she arrives. 

22 week bumpdate (2016)



How far along: 22 weeks and 2 days.

Baby is the size of: a spaghetti squash. 11 inches long and 1 pound!

Total weight gain: 4 lbs since 19 weeks… Haven’t gotten on a scale since. My boobs are HUGE so that coupe be at least 1 more pound…

Symptoms: heartburn and back pains.

Food cravings: CHOCOLATE and ice water

Anything making you queasy or sick?: nah

Movement: yes lots!!

Stretch marks: on my boobs…

Gender: baby girl!!!

Happy or moody? Happy!

Best moments this week/baby milestones: my dad felt baby girl kick! She’s been stubborn and hasn’t kicked much for her dad.

Purchases for baby: nothing more

Purchases for momma: some maternity tank tops

The bump: growing!

Miss anything? Nope

Looking forward to? Just the days ahead- each day gets me closer to meeting my girl.

20 week bump date

 Apparently I forgot to post this…  
How far along: 20 weeks 4 days- HALF WAY THERE! 

Baby is the size of: a mango and baby is 10oz and 6.5 inches long! 

Total weight gain: 4 lbs! 

Symptoms: Round ligament pain and heartburn radiating through my knee caps. 

Food cravings: COOKIES! And fruits; grapes, oranges, and apples 

Anything making you queasy or sick?: Nothing 

Movement: YES! I am getting kicked finally! 

Stretch marks: not yet 

Gender: we found out today that we are having a GIRL! 

Happy or moody? Happy!! 

Best moments this week/baby milestones: We had our anatomy scan yesterday and as of now, baby is developing as she should! We’ve also hit the half way mark which is so exciting!! The kicking and movement is another HUGE milestone!

Purchases for baby: my best friend gave her a few gender neutral onsies since we are keeping the gender quiet until Sunday when we tell our families. 

Purchases for momma: nothing 

The bump: showing! I’ve been asked by several students if I was pregnant (and to not take offense if the answer was no…)

Miss anything? Nope! 

Looking forward to? Our gender reveal gather and  Christmas! 

  

What is normal?

So I am 21 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I feel her move every day, but her movements daily vary. Some days she is super active (and I LOVE it), while other days she is quiet. The quietness, of course, brings on my anxiety and I start to freak out that she is dead. I try candy, ice water, moving positions, and poking at my stomach. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn’t.  I know she is still small and movement shouldn’t be consistent until about 24 weeks or so (I think?). However- I don’t know what is normal.

Everyday I wake up pregnant, I am so grateful. On my way to and from work I thank whomever (I have mixed feelings on ‘God’) for this blessing. I am trying to absorb each day and enjoy every moment I have with her…because I feel like it could be ripped from me at any second (I am totally not jaded right??).

Is this normal?

21 week bumpdate

How far along: 21 weeks and 3 days. 

Baby is the size of: Bok Choy? A banana? A carrot? These apps/websites need to collaborate! I am just confused. Well baby is 7 inches and 11 ounces! 

Total weight gain: 4lbs… But after eating a bagel every day for breakfast this past week- it might of increase 🙂 

Symptoms: just tired. 

Food cravings: I crave cookies… 

Anything making you queasy or sick?: nope! 

Movement: yes a ton!!  She is active which is making me feel reassured and comforted. 

Stretch marks: not yet. 

Gender: it’s a girl! 

 Happy or moody? Happy! I feel so lucky and blessed to be pregnant and to feel her. I have honestly never felt this type of happiness before. I am trying to absorb every day and be so grateful that I am here l, with her, right now. 

Best moments this week/baby milestones: lots of kicking!!! 

Purchases for baby: I got a few outfits! Baby gap was having 50% off and I couldn’t resists… 

  
Purchases for momma: I am eyeing a diaper bag from pottery barn… Just waiting on a coupon… I think they are on to me 

The bump: growing! 

  
Miss anything? Nothing. 

Looking forward to? Christmas! 

Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety 

I’m lying bed wondering why I feel so… Off. I feel anxious and slightly depressed about having to go to work tomorrow: Sunday blues. However what I am feeling seems stronger than just being bummed about having to get up before the sun to commute to job I feel moderately about. And then it dawned on me: anatomy scan scheduled for tomorrow. Typical to my nature, my anxiety starts setting in 24-36 hours before hand. I keep trying to reassure myself, but it’s impossible. The unknown is so hard to swallow. I want a crystal ball to tell me that everything will be okay…