14 week bump-update! 

   

   
How far along:

14 weeks 1 day! Woohoo second trimester! 

Baby is the size of:

A lemon! 

Total weight gain:

At my 12 week ultrasound I had gained a pound… But it could of been poop. 

Symptoms:

Still nauseaous, but it seems like it lessening! I am tired and am not sleeping very well. I think I’m starting to get round ligament pain. 

Food cravings/aversions:

I want anything with chocolate. Meat is not appetizing at all right now. I also hated vegetable up until two days ago… So I am hoping that aversion is done with! 

Anything making you queasy or sick?:

Smells. I work with kids and many of them have bad breath… It makes me sick to my stomach. 

Movement:

Nothing yet. 

Stretch marks:

None yet. 

Gender:

Still a mystery!

Happy or moody?

Happy! Thankfully. 

Best moments this week/baby milestones:

Reaching the 2nd trimester!

Purchases for baby:

Nothing yet 

Purchases for momma:

I bought some maternity pants and shirts. My jeans still kind of fit, but they are wicked uncomfortable. The maternity pants are kind of big, but are so much more comfortable! 

Miss anyhing?

Wine. 

Looking forward to? 

Getting a bigger bump and feeling movement!

Capture your Grief: Day 29- What Heals You

  
Courtesy of huffingtonpost.com 

I’m not healed. I’ll never be healed. However, there are some things that make me or have made me feel better over the last 7 months. Some of those things include allowing myself to feel what I feel without apologizing. Some days I need my bed and Netflix and in the past I would of felt guilty for indulging in such behavior when I could of been more productive, but now I allow myself to go ahead and indulge because I usually feel better if I just shut out of the world for a couple of hours. Spending time with family and friends has also helped. They have allowed me to talk about the loss and talking about it and acknowledging makes me feel better. I also find long walks help me. It gives me breathing room and a safe place to just think without interruption. Lastly- I’ve done acupunture. I underwent a ‘grounding’ treatment that helped me feel less crazy. Like I have some control over my emotions. Afterwards, I felt a little more like myself. A little more in control. It helped. 

Capture your Grief: Day 27- Self Portrait

This post is a day late due to the intense morning sickness I had ALL day yesterday..


I can’t really highlight how I am different. Most likely, from an outsider’s perspective, I am the same.  I don’t feel entirely different personality wise, just some things have been slightly altered since the loss. Without a doubt- I am more pessimistic and cynical.  I was carried both of those traits, however, I feel like since the losses, they might be slightly amplified. I have always been relatively social. I liked to go out and do this and be surrounded by people. Now, I kind of feel the opposite. I still like the socialize, but I also find myself wanting to be alone more often.  I would rather go for a walk or do something alone rather than forcing myself to be in social situations.  This could be contributory to the loss, or the fact that I am exhausted from this current pregnancy…it’s hard to say.

I am probably not the only one who has experienced a loss to say or think this, but I want my innocence back. I want to turn a corner without the first thought in my head being ‘I hope I don’t see a bump.’  I want to look at pregnant woman and smile again instead of scowl. I want to be ignorant to all the bad things that can happen during pregnancy.  I want to be ignorantly excited! I want to not have to preface the announcement of this pregnancy with the explanation of my losses and why I am so painfully scared. Can I just be blissfully ignorant again? Please?

Capture your Grief: Day 26-Gratitude 

  
What I am grateful for:

  • Loving, loyal and supportive husband 
  • Incredible parents
  • A sister who is my best friend 
  • Great in-laws that I enjoy spending time with 
  • A couple very close, supportive friends 
  • A job I enjoy 
  • The support I have received from fellow bloggers 
  • My health 
  • This current, so far, healthy pregnancy

Capture your Grief: Day 24-Choose your Breath 

  
Courtesy of psychologytoday.com

Where am I in my healing? Where am I in the grief process? To be honest- it’s hard to say. Prior to this current pregnancy, I could say I was very angry and borderline depressed. Two stages of grief- although for me, they were simultaneous. I was angry and so terribly sad that I wasn’t pregnant with my daughter and planning for her arrival and I was furious that healthy pregnancies were visible all around me. I was angry because what I wanted and loved so badly- I lost so suddenly. 

I hate to admit this, but this current pregnancy has helped in my healing. I hate to admit this because I feel like I am saying that this baby will replace my daughter and all the hurt I have felt. When, in fact, that is not the case. I do, however, appreciate this blessing more than I thought possible. It has made me think that maybe we will have a rainbow after our storm. 

My stage in grief: acceptance

I think I am beginng to accept that my experience was something out of my control. There is no answer to the ‘why?’ Shit just happens and you have two choices; survive or don’t survive. I choose survival. 

I will never forget my experience. I will never forget my baby girl. And I will never stop fantasizing about what could of been. However, I will accept that this was out of my control. I will cherish this pregnancy and dream of a take home baby. And I will fantasize about my husband and I patenting and sharing our experience wih them. 

Capture your Grief: Day 23- Love Letter

  
Dear Husband,

Everyday, you impress me with your ambition, accomplishments and your actions. I have never met someone who is so genuine in their actions.  You lack the judgmental quality that I struggle with. You wholeheartedly accept people for who they are in you care about the in spite of their faults. I know you are not someone who likes to discuss their feelings and emotions, but that is okay (even though at times, I might complain otherwise) because you prove your care, commitment and love through everything you do- big and small. Thank you for always thinking of me and, at times, putting me before yourself.

The experience of our loss was very differently for the both of us. I am pretty certain that although you were sad and wished the situation was different, you are more or less ‘over it.’  It is okay. I do not fault you for it.  You didn’t know her like I knew her, and I wouldn’t expect you to feel the way I am feeling. Despite not being able to empathize, you have been incredible.  You have allowed me to feel what I needed to feel and without making me feel like how I am feeling is wrong or unacceptable.  You accepted my grief.  You have allowed me to talk about her and I thank you for that. I also want to thank you for being such an incredible support during the diagnosis, through the termination, and the tumultuous weeks that followed.  You stood up for me when I couldn’t, you held me when all I could do was cry, and you force fed me when I couldn’t eat. Most of all, you allowed me to feel. Although it was the hardest thing we have gone through thus far as a couple, it allowed me to see a side of you that is profoundly compassionate.  I loved you before this, but now I love you more.

I apologize if I struggle with expressing this gratitude daily, but I want you to know how much I love and respect you. You are invaluable and I am so proud to call you my husband, my friend, and my partner. I love you.

All my love,

Your wife

Capture your Grief: Day 22- Dreams + Rituals

There is not a day goes by that I do not think of my daughter and what could of been. She would of been a couple weeks old by now.  I dream about what should would of looked like, sounded like and acted like. I dream about what it would of been like to raise her and watch her grow up. I think about what time of child, teen, adult she would of been.  I dream of a girl who was healthy and normal.  I have yet to pass and special dates; anniversaries or birthdays. I am not quite sure what I want to do on those days.

Currently, I am dreaming that I get to take home this baby that I am currently carrying. I dream about the time when this baby is old enough and I can tell them about their sister. I think it will be really important for this child to know that they had a sister, and that sister gave them life.

Capture your Grief: Day 20- Forgiveness + Humanity

  
This might be true for everyone, but there gets to a time in a relationship with someone where I have no more to give.  in essence, I have forgiven them so many times, that I just don’t have the energy to forgive anymore. And the relationship dissolves. I have gotten to this point with a few friendships for several different reasons.  I know I constantly look back on them and ask myself- ‘did I give up too soon?’  I tend to beat myself up about it and question myself; ‘was I in the wrong? Did I do the right thing? Was I too harsh?’ When I reflect on those questions, I ultimately come to the same terms I came to when I decided to dissolve the friendship; it wasn’t healthy and I was not happy. By dissolving the friendship, I was protecting myself from more frustration and hurt.  I accepted those friends for who they are, but with that acceptance I realized what was best for me.  I think, ultimately, I need to forgive myself for ‘giving up.’ In all honesty, this is a huge struggle. Its more so a struggle now, as I get older, and building friendships are more difficult than it was 10 years ago.

Every since my loss, I have found myself reflecting on this quite frequently.  It could be because the loss has made me feel very lonely and bitter and as a result, making new friends is the last thing I intend to do, therefore I am reflecting on past friendships- potentially holding them on undeserving pedestals. Or maybe I am too harsh? Clearly, forgiving and accepting myself for these decisions is still a challenge and will probably always be a struggle.

A very HAPPY update

I pushed my NT scan up to today. I didn’t think I could wait another day. I was hysterical during the scan and a very kind tech talked us through, assuring our baby looked textbook! This was a HUGE milestone and a HUGE relief.