Daily positve post #2 

1. Something I look forward to

A visit from a very very dear friend of mine after summer school! I can’t wait to go to the beach with her, have some cocktails, eat some good food and just have some awesome quality time together. This friend is someone I have known since college and not once have I ever felt that I have needed to impress her or be anyone but myself for and it’s liberating. 

2. One thing I am grateful for

A friend a met in support group. I only attended this group once, but as the session was coming to an end, this woman offered up her support by giving me her email along with telling me that it was okay to contact her. Basically, she was reassuring me that I am not alone. Over the last few months we have gone back and forth; either expressing our sadness, frustrations and worries or just checking in to make sure the other is okay. To her, I am utterly grateful. Her support has showed me that it is okay to grieve and to feel whatever is I am feeling. There is no need for any apologies and there is certainly no judgment. She has been such an integral part of my healing process and I am so fortunate that I picked myself up to go that group, because without her I’d feel rather lonely. 

3. One nice thing I did for someone else 

Cooked dinner for my husband and his best friend. 

4. What kind exercise and/or meditation I did 

Does shaking a cocktail shaker count? Or lifting my martini?! 

I’m going to do some deep breathing later. 

5. One thing I am proud of 

Myself. This is why:

Today a boss of mine humiliated me in front of a colleague. His short temper got the better of him and he verbally accosted me. I will be the first to admit, leading up to this event, I could of acted differently, but by no means was i deserving of his treatment. 

Long story short:

Summer school can be very different than the regular school year. For started I am not in my typical building. Instead of being at small offsite, I was at the Mainsite. At the beginning of the summer I would be a program coordinator (continuing my position) and then 3 days in I was changed to a cluster teacher (pushing into 5 different classes a day ranging from kindergarten to 8th grade). Fine. I soon learned that I was given the most classes out of the other cluster teachers and I had quite a few more teaching periods. I also informed that the individuals responsible for my schedule were my colleagues, not my supervisors.. I was also given students I have never worked with, when they could of easily given me the classes of students that came from the site I work at year round. Needless to the say- I have been frustrated since July 1st. 

Thee minutes to the start of the day I was given an assignment- to be a home room teacher for the day. Mind you- I had already planned for the different classes I was suppose to have. Now I have three minutes to get my stuff and get the kids. Did I give an attitude? Yes I did. Was that right? Probably not. Could I have handled it differently? Absolutely. Hindsight is 20/20. 

The day began and I was scheduled for my one and only prep period of the day at 9. 9:10 rolls around and the teacher who was scheduled to cover had not shown. I called the program coordinators and was told it would be looked into. Minutes later I received a call that that teacher was not in for the day. Great. In response and with some tude, I said ‘okay, but this is my only prep today.’ We are legally entitled to one prep and one lunch a day. In response she was snippy and said the Assistant principal was taking care of it . J we  refer to him as is no my direct boss. Mine was it for the day. He came to my room with a teachers assistant and told me that the TA would be covering. I’m sorry what? This is VERY illegal. I was hesitant and said I would take a paid prep. He assured me it was okay. I then traveled to my colleague and friends classroom to go over paperwork (and to vent). J followed me. He found me in this classroom and came in guns ablazed. His direct quote ‘you made such a big deal about not having a prep and your in here not prepping. You should be doing prep work.’ He was screaming. My colleague and I were stunned. All I could sputter out was: I am working on an IeP for an inclusion program and she needed assistance because… He cut me off and continued to accuse me of not doing my job. Then he left. I was dumbfounded. Legally and according to our contract a prep is an unassigned period. What a teacher chooses to do during this time is up their discretion as long as they are in the building. Not only was I baffled and appalled by his unprofessionalism, but I was now humiliated!  My friend and colleague had no words. I broke out into tears. 

I calmed down. I then marched myself into his office, red-eyed but confident and told him that he unfairly assessed the situation and that I did not deserve to be spoken to like that. 

I didn’t get an apology instead I got his take. In sum: he saw I was irritated from the start of the day and mentioned my lack of good morning to him (didn’t see him). Basically- I had a target on me back and he was determined to yell at me at some point today. However, he did end with ‘I’ve never had anything against you and you have done great things for the organization and it’s not personal, but sometimes I need to intervene. Translation: one or both of his program coordinators told him that I gave them attitude so he had to find a way to reprimand me. A simple conversation about how I was in the wrong for how I responded to them would of been fine. I would of acknowledged my fault and apologized. Humiliation was not necessary. 

In sum- I am very proud I stood up for myself whether or not I got this response I wanted. 

6. One thing today that made me smile 

My dear, dear friend, the one mentioned above, called to tell me she pooped her pants. 

First daily positive post 

1. Something I look forward to

The  end of summer school on August 13th! When I have 3.5 weeks free of teaching! 

2. One thing I am grateful for

Mother for understanding me last night as I cried about my loss. She understood without telling me to just ‘get over it.’

3. One nice thing I did for someone else (this will hopefully force me to be more giving and kind to other people- even if it’s just smiling when I feel like I can’t)

I helped a woman carry her baby carriage down the stairs in the subway 

4. What kind exercise and/or meditation I did 

Mind & body boot camp through Circuit of Change 

5. One thing I am proud of 

6. One thing that made me smile today

As I was walking down the street of the pouring rain with a friend I had to grip my flip flops tightly with my toes… Well I couldn’t grip tight enough and I walked right out of them twice! It was silly and stupid, but nonetheless it made me smile. 

The beginning of positve posts 

I need to start pulling myself out of my angry, depressive funk. One way I have decided to help myself is by writing a daily post that consists of: 

1. Something I look forward to

2. One thing I am grateful for

3. One nice thing I did for someone else (this will hopefully force me to be more giving and kind to other people- even if it’s just smiling when I feel like I can’t)

4. What kind exercise and/or meditation I did 

5. One thing I am proud of 

6. One thing today that made me smile 

I am hoping that by writing these things down daily I will not only be reminding myself of positive things but I hope to become more accountable for actions that contribute to my happiness. 

Another day, another pregnancy announcement 

At work today I mistakeningly asked a woman how she was feeling. In response she announced her pregnancy. It was like a punch in the gut. My head immediately began to swim and I got sick to my stomach. She continued to talk and I didn’t hear a word. All I could do was fake a congratulations and smile, although my discomfort was probably obvious. I contemplated explaining my reaction to her but decided against it. What use would it do? Scare her? Make me come across like a loose cannon? Instead I continued with my job and fought every urge to run to my office and cry (don’t worry- I did it the first chance I got). To be honest- I was just hoping the woman was fat. 

On a daily basis I find myself walking down the street and actively avoiding eye contact, instead I meet abdomens. From yards away I am determining if a pregnancy is walking towards me and in the moment I become jealous and begrudging… Until I realize the person is menopausal, a man, or has no obvious baby bump. Then I exhale. 
All I hear is ‘it takes time and this will just be a very difficult time for you in your life that you’ll look back on.’ Yes, I’m sure they are right, but that does not exempt me from the anguish I currently feel. I wish I could say that I experience a reprieve every now and again from my thoughts, but Unfortunately I find myself replaying the events over and over again. The saddest part: I forget what it felt like to be pregnant, to know I was carrying my daughter inside me. I wish I could have bottled the feeling. I wish I could close my eyes and remember my time with her with more physical feeling. 

Currently I am getting a pedicure next to a woman who is 6 months pregnant- with twin girls. I know this because she is discussing it with her pedicurist. I can’t escape it. Pregnancy and new beginnings are everywhere and I feel like I can’t escape this nightmare of loss. 

More than anything I wish I could time hop to my moment of bringing home a baby. To looking back at this time and thinking of it as ‘just a really shitty time.’ 

Until then- here’s for praying and hoping for a BFP. 

Another month, another BFN

It is rather funny yet horrifying how your body can convince you that you are pregnant by psychosomatically giving you pregnancy symptoms, or what you thought were pregnancy symptoms. We did everything ‘right’ this month and we are back to square 1. I am trying not to compare this time to the last two times that didn’t end in take home babies. I got pregnant the first and second time right away. Somehow, I ignorantly thought that it would be the same this time around. I’ve been told I am putting too much pressure on it, and I am. I feel a great deal of stress trying to conceive since I am strongly correlating a new pregnancy with the healing process. I feel like I obsessively analyze my cycle and my symptoms. I even became irrationally upset when I felt like we didn’t have enough sex during the fertile window. I cried when my husband told me he didn’t think he could go again. I am that person. 

This is not how I envisioned making a baby. This is not how I want to make a baby. 

Next month I am deleting the fertility apps. I will try my hardest to resist the urge to google- because let’s me honest, I’ve read them all. I have likely searched and read every TtC forum and researched every possible ‘early pregnancy symptom’. For my sanity and to not scare my husband with my psycho baby making obsession- we will just ‘go with the flow.’ It worked relatively well the the last two times so maybe that’s our answer. At the very least maybe it will keep my sanity… Any advice on how to actually make this happen??

If only I felt numb 

Today I am heading to a baby shower. Am I okay? Not quite. Every since I have recieved notification of this event, I have dreamt of every excuse in the book. It’s my best friend’s shower and it means the world to her that I attend, so I am going. To be honest, I wish I felt numb today, but no such luck. This has been on my mind all week; what will it feel like to see 3 happily pregnant woman all in the same room, one of which I don’t particularly care for? What if her mother asks me how I am doing given the known events of the last 14 weeks? What if I can’t hold my shit together for 3 hours and I breakdown? What if I am okay and feel fine? Would that mean I have forgotten her? 

My mother called from Paris yesterday and was telling me about a baby clothing store that had adorable baby girl clothes. She proceeded to tell me what she found for my friend, but she didn’t know anyone having a girl to get the really cute baby girl clothes for. I don’t think she knew the weight of this comment, so I cried silently on the other line. She would have known someone who was having a baby girl… If only. 

I know this won’t be my permanent state. I know, I hope, I will eventually have a child and I will heal from this as best anyone can. I know pregnancy has lost its innocence to me and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see pregnancy and not be reminded of my girl and to be honest, I wouldn’t have it any other way. She was a part of me and I’ll never forget the small amount of time we had together. Because of her, I know what true love is and I know what true heartbreak feels like. 

Bad today, gone tomorrow? 

Today was a bad day. I woke up this morning with the urge to cry and suppressed it throughout the day- or tried. There were some small tear showers that I was able to swallow away, luckily they didn’t form into a full blown crying session. Serendipitously,  last week I had scheduled an acupuncture appointment for today. It couldn’t have come at a better time.

After my first loss and as I was newly pregnant with my second pregnancy- I tried therapy. I went to a guy twice and afterwards I decided his approach wasn’t right for me. After my second and most devastating loss-  I tried three more therapists with all different approaches. I didn’t get it. I felt like I was talking to someone who was asking me questions in response. I know the root of my pain- I don’t need questions to get me there. I also felt like I knew what they were going to ask me before they asked… I didn’t feel like it helped. I started looking to acupuncture and since it didn’t require much talking, I’d figure i’dgive it ago. During my consultation I couldn’t hold back the tears as I explained my losses and fears of not being able to get pregnant (I felt like the stress was going to block me up and now allow it to happen). She preformed a centering treatment. She placed needles from my ankles to my chest. It felt weird at first. As I laid down and allowed the needles to do their job feelings of waves flowed through my body. It was wild. I wasn’t tired before the treatment, but I fell asleep, deeply. I woke up naturally and felt calm. Calmer than I have in a very long time. I didn’t feel the urge to cry and I didn’t feel angry. I didn’t feel angry! I left and entered the bussling streets of Manhattan and the commuters didn’t bother me as much as they had as when I was on my way. Maybe it was the nap? Or maybe the treatment worked… I don’t believe in mood stabilizers so if this a form of treatment that will help me feel grounded and calm- I’m sold. 

Better day tomorrow.