I win the maturity award 

DISCLAIMER: this was written in angry and hatred. 

I shared my new address with my pregnant best friend, under one condition: don’t share it with M. M was someone I have vented about in a previous post. I haven’t spoken to her in months and did not respond to her email requesting my new address. I knew she wanted my address because she wants me to attend her baby shower. Why would you want someone who you arent speaking to attend your baby shower? I knew receiving her invite would be a trigger and I wanted to avoid it at all cost. Apparently M asked my friend repeatedly for my address… Funny she only asked me once… So my friend complied and gave it to her. Without warning I recieved the invite. My friend failed to tell me that she shared my address. So what did I do? First I cried. Then I got angry with my friend. Then I cried some more. Then I took the fucking thing, unopened, and threw it in the trash. I didn’t stop there. I then took the trash out and brought it to the curb. It now remains in some landfill somewhere, unopened. If you don’t have the decency to ask me how I am doing and/or ask me for my address is a less formal way than email, than you don’t deserve my attendance. How could I not be angry at someone who’s response to ‘we have to terminate our much wanted pregnancy because our daughter has abnormalities that might not be compatible with life,’ with ‘oh, eeeffff that, were you trying?’ I WISH I was kidding. That was her exact response. I wanted to vomit and punch her in the face. 

 M- I hope your daughter is just like you, a total fucking bitch and a terrible human being with no heart or sensitivity. Paybacks a bitch. And no, I’m not sending a gift. 

**to my knowledge, M doesn’t know this blog exists.

Any advice on how to not allow the idea of this person infuriate me? 

Oh hey period… 

Definitely not pregnant. Thank you Period for being 6 days late and a complete and utter mind fuck… Clealry all symptoms ‘felt’ were pychosymatic, that’s fun. Cycle day 1… And we start a new. 

I can do without the mind fuck. 

I am three days late. I’m never late. When I got home from my weekend away on Sunday I took a test… Well I tried to take a test. I had to pee so badly that I peed on the screen and subsequently received an error message… Oops. I had the urge to pee an hour later and used my last remaining test. To my surprise- it was the small amount of pee compared to feeling of urgency, but at least I got it on the stick! As I unwrapped the packaging my hands were shaking and my heart was pounding. There was a flutter in my stomach, and not the good kind- the kind that makes you want to vomit. The test was negative… Now I really felt like I was going to be sick. An overwhelming sense of sadness took over me and. I lost all motivation. I wanted to crawl into bed, under the covers and hide. I have a baby shower in three weeks and there will be three pregnant woman there- how the fuck am I going to survive that with an empty womb? It was Father’s Day and how nice it would be to give that gift to my husband and my own father. My mother started knitting a baby blanket and we’ll have nothing to fill it (not that that’s a lot of pressure or anything…). Thoughts flooded my head- how am I going to survive this? Every negative has me reliving my nightmare and revising my future. This is bullshit. If I am not pregnant, than don’t tease me, just let me bleed. 

Disappointment 

My period is due to arrive this weekend. I took a pregnancy test because I am going away this weekend and needed to know my limits….According to the test, I am limitless. I can drink and eat whatever I want. I am heartbroken. I knew that it most likely wouldn’t be the first time after the trauma my body went through, but I was so hoping it would of been. The weird part is- all the symptoms I usually get with my period, aren’t there and my pregnancy tells are. In the past i knew I was pregnant because my chest wasn’t sore (at 6 weeks along they were though!). A couple days before I get my period I can’t  go down the stairs without holding myself because of how swollen and sore they are… But They aren’t sore, and a negative test. Maybe my body has changed since everything? I know it’s not the end until my period comes… But I have a feeling the test was right. It’s hard not to have all of those feelings of failure flood back to me, as ridiculous as that is. I shouldn’t be taking tests right now! I should be almost 7 months pregnant! Should of… 

Has anyone had a negative test a day before their missed period and then a positive after a missed period? (Not to assume this will be my situation)

Officially trying

So my husband and I are now trying to get pregnant again. I was apparently in my ‘fertile window’ over the weekend and we took advantage of that. Now comes the TWW, the two week wait, and the obsessing. I told myself I wasn’t going to use an OPK. I was going to use the app Ovia which worked last time. On day 18 of my cycle, I was curious and took a Ovulation test. It was a faint positive which is equivalent to not ovulating- but does that mean I ovulated the day prior? We weren’t able to have sex the last 2 days of my fertile window, but did have sex twice on my ‘most fertile day,’ according to the app. Since this was my first cycle in 6 months, I am assuming that everything was how it was prior, but I am nervous that it’s not. I am nervous that I missed an opportunity because  we weren’t able to have sex all six days… And I am obsessing…. 

How do I not let my head go crazy with this stuff?  If I got pregnant easily twice (first months try resulted in a chemical pregnancy and then the second was the next cycle which resulted in a TFMR), then could it be just as easy this time? How do I sit back and just let nature do it’s thing? I don’t know how to be ‘laid back’ and ‘relaxed’ when it comes to trying to get pregnant after everything I’ve been through. Help. 

Vent of the day

There’s a few people I know that are pregnant. My best fiend and then someone I commonly refer to as a frenemy. I am invested emotionally in my best friend’s pregnancy because she is family and I will affectionately refer to her son as my nephew once he is born. The other woman- I want nothing to do with. I was okay with maintaining a semi relationship with her before I lost my baby, and now I have no interest. Before you judge me there is a few things you should know about this woman: she’s awful. 

She’s the type of woman who competes with you and doesn’t supprt you. For example, she was pissed at me when I got engaged to my now husband because it happened a month and 4 days after her engagement (I know the exact amount of time because she told me). I forgave her after this stint… And even had her in my wedding party. On the night of my rehersal dinner- she tried to get my best friend and I in a fight by telling my best friend that her placement in my line order of bridesmaids was wrong and she should be in X spot instead of where she was… My best friend confronted me and I ended up in tears until we realized that the frenemy was just starting trouble. 

She’s the type of woman who will talk to you about serious matters when she is blackout drunk… But never soberly. On several occasions in her alcohol induced state she made claims that she didn’t love her soon-to-be husband and only wanted to get married for the ring, the dress and the wedding… Sex with her fiancé grossed her out and she was in love with someone else (a someone else that wanted nothing to do with her and was marrying someone else). The following day when I tried to talk to her about this, she refused. 

She also slept with someone else 3 months before her wedding… Poor bastard will probably never find out. When we found out she was pregnant the first question I heard was ‘are we sure it’s his?’

During her wedding she didn’t eat, drink, dance or smile. She was miserable. The whole event was weird and was not inspired by love. It was sad. 

She is the type of woman who will talk about your relationship to other people. Not in an endearing sort of way, but in a judgmental way. She will sneer at the jobs we have chosen (sorry we didn’t get a business handed to us) and the salaries we make (our salaries are public and I am sure she has looked them up). She makes me feel like uncomfortable. 

When I told her about the problems with our daughter and how we had to terminate for medical response she responded with ‘efffff that’ via text. To be honest, I have no fucking idea what that means. And I wanted to punch her through the phone. Following that wasn’t ‘I am so sorry,’ it was ‘were you guys trying?’ Really? That’s your fucking response. Who the fuck cares if we were trying or not!?!? What matters and what should be your concern is how I feel….

Two days following the termination she sends me a picture, via text, of my bachelorette party that was exactly a year prior with the caption ‘wow I can’t believe that was a year ago!’ This is what she chooses to send me… Two fucking days after I had to terminate my pregnancy. In response, I deleted her text and haven’t responded to a single message from her since April… All of which failed to ask me how I was doing, how I was feeling. 

In the event of a heartbreaking situation- she will text, she won’t call. She won’t rush to be by your side and offer supprt, instead she will send you pointless text filled with pictures that reminds you of the person you will never be again; innocent, carefree, and naive. She will then send you emails that ask for your new address via email so she can send a baby shower invitation. She won’t ask how you are doing or how you are feeling. She won’t ask because she to me, she doesn’t really care. 

She is not the type of the woman I choose to be surrounded by anymore. When I was single and wanted to have a good time- she was a blast. I now want the love and supprt of people I feel 100% comfortable with. I want to enjoy the free time I have with the people that matter to me… Not someone who I don’t feel comfortable around. I don’t want to compete with her, it’s not a pastime I choose to engage in.

Being around pregnant woman is hard. Period. It’s a reminder of my lost daughter. It’s a reminder that in October, I won’t be welcoming a baby girl, instead I’ll be grieving the loss. Being around this woman is uncomrtable as it is- beig around her while she pregnant is my ultimate nightmare. 

I declined invitations where I know she will be present. A part of me feels guilty then the other part reminds my guilty side that this is self preservation and I am entitled. 

A new cycle…a new beginning?

The day after I wrote my last post, I got my period. Exactly 6 weeks and 1 day after we lost her.  The period came with an array of emotions, as predicted.  At first, I was relieved. My body has proven to heal itself and my cycle was proof of this.  After everything my body had been through, I was in almost disbelief that my period would come back so easily, so normally.  It seemed so normal…from the cramps to the flow to the duration. Nothing was different from the period I had 6 months prior. For some reason I expected it to be more intense- maybe to match my emotions.  I also felt oddly excited- this period signifies that we can start trying again…I could get pregnant again.  The next and strongest emotion quickly overrode the precious feeling of excitement: fear. What if it doesn’t work? What if I don’t get pregnant as easily as I have been able to before? What if I do get pregnant and I have another miscarriage? What if I do get pregnant and have to have to terminate again for medical reasons? How will I survive the next pregnancy without being a crazy ,emotional mess? After everything had happened- I stopped believing in statistics, because we defied those odds…we were the 1 in a very large number. But, I am hoping and praying that the statistics will be on our side the next time around and the next pregnancy will result in a healthy baby.